***** This thread is now closed, please CLICK HERE to go to Volume 6 *****
For the continued discussion of all things pertaining to motoring jokes.
Volumes 1, 2,3 and 4 filled up.
This is Volume 5, Volume 4 is closed.
There is no need to repeat anything since earlier volumes will not be deleted.
Anything over the line will get deleted without reference to you; too much of it and the entire thread will simply go.
The others linger on somewhere on the site, if your that desperate you can search for them using forum search.
Anything that has an "ist" when describing it will be binned, motoring link also a requirement.
Edited by Dynamic Dave on 25/08/2009 at 11:17
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Not a joke but funny
Apologies if this is old news
tinyurl.com/2zqsq5
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Shame about the car, though.
I would not buy it. I would not have thought that one having registered a car of itself establishes title to it?
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I sure one of our esteemed legal contributors will know the answer Tomo.
The V5 as far as I know simply records the registered keeper and is not evidence of ownership. I think a bill of sale is the document needed to prove ownership.
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Apologies if this has been posted before.
Dear Sir
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out
and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we
have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was made redundant from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Dear Madam
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure in the fuel injection system.
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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well," says his wife, "can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
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The old ones are still the best ones..:-)
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Driving down a country lane, a man unfortunately runs over a cat which has dashed out in front of him.
Feeling guilty he stops and looks around for any sign of a house.
Spotting a farmhouse he drives up to the door and knocks.
The door is answered by the farmer and his wife.
" I'm terribly sorry but I think I have run over your cat. "
" Well.... we have several cats, what did it look like ? "
" Hard to say really.....................sort of startled I suppose ! "
Deeply and humbly sorry !
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Apologies in advance if heard before.
It's Christmas Eve and a rather careworn Reliant Robin has broken down on a lonely country road. The light is fading and the driver is anxious about being stranded. To his delight he hears the sound of a powerful engine getting closer. A beautiful DB9 slows to a halt by him and its driver asks if he can be of any assistance. Well the Robin driver can't believe his luck and asks if he can have a lift to the next village please. The Aston driver thinks for a moment and then says.........
" Well, of course I'll give you a lift, no problem but it's Christmas Eve. How on earth are you going to get help with your car ? I'll tell you what..I'll give you a tow into town. That way you can leave your car at a garage and then decide what to do."
"Great" says the Robin driver "I'm very lucky you came along"
" No problem" says the DB9 guy "Just beep your horn if I'm going too fast or you have any other problems"
Well..... all proceeds as planned until a 911 comes howling past them being driven like the wind. The Aston driver takes off after it completely forgetting about the Robin.
After about five miles of this high speed tomfoolery, they pass a police traffic car hidden behind a hedge. The cop notes the proceedings and radios ahead to his colleague further up the road.
" Mike , you're gonna love this one.......A 911 and an Aston racing....they should be with you any minute....but the best bit is, there's an old guy in a Reliant Robin beeping his horn to get past !"
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Not motoring - I heard this on Welsh telly (in English !)
Patient "Doctor Doctor, I keep feeling like a rundown north Wales holiday resort."
Dr. "You're Ill"
You may have to say it out loud !
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A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
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Did you hear the one about the Chinese government who bought a bankrupt British company so it could produce obsolete Honda models ...
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A mans perfect relationship
1 it's important to have a women who is good in bed and likes being with you
2 its important to have a woman who understands you're love afair with your car and other passions
3 its important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks,cleans, looks after the kids and has a job
4 its important to have a woman who can make you laugh
5 it's important to have a woman who you can trust and would never lie to you
6 it is absolutely vital that these 5 women don't know each other
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A smug barrister is stopped by a patrol car, whilst driving through Glasgow.
The officer walks up to the window of the barrister's car, which is duly wound down.
"I think you'll know why I pulled you over" said the policeman.
"No" replied the barrister.
"You failed to stop at the stop sign at the last junction".
"But I did slow down " said the barrister.
"Yes, bit you didnae stop".
"I slowed down" he replied emphatically.
The officer said "there is a difference between slowing down and stopping".
"There isn't really" the barrister retorts grinning.
"Yes there is" the officer stated.
"Don't agree with you, officer"
"Step out of the car sir"
The barrister steps out of the car, at which point the officer draws his stick and starts to beat the barrister.
"Now sir, would you like me to stop, or slow down?"
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A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred and ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred and ten
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.."
She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is
there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."
If you're not sure what a 710 is:~
www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg
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Might be funny once but three times was rather boring so I deleted two identical postings. What I don't get is the blonde bit perhaps you'd care to explain.
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traffic news just in " a lorry loaded with onions has just shed its load on the A50 outside stoke police have asked any motorists involved to use the hard shoulder to cry on " I thangyou
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What I don't get is the blonde bit perhaps you'd care to explain.
Bit strict what PU? Even some of our minority of lady posters have one or twice referred to having a 'blonde moment' (i.e. doing or thinking something half-witted).
Of course no one with any experience subscribes to the theory that blondes are necessarily dumb. My youngest granddaughter is my blondest close relation at present, and she is as sharp as a tack at 5.
My experience is that there is no obvious correlation between hair colour and intellectual wattage.
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I was a bit I suppose. bit irritated at eprof's repeated posting of the same joke...maybe he had a blonde moment.
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The A50 at Blythe Bridge was closed today when a Waterstone's lorry carrying the latest copy of Roget's Thesaurus overturned.
Onlookers were said to be astounded, amazed, bewildered. surprised, staggered, shocked, startled........
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Blonde gets pulled over by Blonde motorcycle cop in Miami
"License and registration" says the cop,
Blonde looks through her handbag and cant find them,
She asks the cop what it looks like, cop says "it has a picture of you on it".
Blond tips out contents of her bag onto the passenger seat and finds her compact mirror,
She looks at it, sees her reflection then gives it to the cop
Cop looks at it and says, "If I had known you were a cop too I would not have stopped you"
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The A50 at Blythe Bridge was closed today when a Waterstone's lorry carrying the latest copy of Roget's Thesaurus overturned. Onlookers were said to be astounded amazed bewildered. surprised staggered shocked startled........
I hoped it might contain copies of Roger's Profanisaurus...
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Did I send the same joke three times?
If so, many apologies! I will have a word with my clicking finger!
Blonde jokes? Discrimination on the basis of colour? Never!
Thanks, PU!
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>>What I don't get is the blonde bit perhaps you'd care to explain.>>
Oh dear!
Google for:
Blonde jokes
and you'll find ut...:-)
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I do know - I was teasing the OP.
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"I do know - I was teasing the OP."
If the original thread owner is the OP.... were you teasing yourself perhaps?
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Oh hung by my own wotsit....what can I say !?!?!?
Edited by Pugugly on 09/03/2008 at 20:09
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Hoist. Petard.
Really, PU... :o{
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My biorhythms are all over the place today.
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Davmal's 'failing to stop' joke (a good one!) reminds me of something that really did happen to a friend in South Africa:
She was stopped by a cop who said 'Lady, you failed to stop at that junction'.
'I paused....'
'Lady, S-T-O-P spells Stop. P-A-W-S spells Pause'.
Imagine that in a thick SA accent.
Edited by Avant on 08/03/2008 at 23:11
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Went out with SHMBO in the motah yesterday.
Up to a set of lights on red and straight through.
Then a second set, the same at red - straight through.
I gently reminded her that one should stop when lights at red.
"Oh" she said, "am I driving?"
dvd
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nelson mandela chilling out at home, door bell rings, chinese man at door with large truck out side.
i got your brake pads, nelson replys i did,nt order any brake pads go away.
next day nelson in bath, door bell goes chinese man with large truck.
i got your head lights, nelson replys i dont want any head lights go away.
next day, very early, nelson still in bed door, bell goes.
chinese man at door with large truck out side.
i got your wheels.
nelson really annoyed tells him to go away.
chinese man replys......you no nissan main dealer.....................
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SHMBO DVD?
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Not a joke as such and not 100% motoring related, but here goes............
I was driving in Sweden and stopped at a petrol station to get fuel and change an LPG cylinder. The young lady at the cash desk spoke the usual good English (which helped, as my Swedish is of the 'phrase book' variety).
After paying for the fuel I asked if she had any LPG, she said that they did not sell it, but that I could get it at the "Urkay" filling station a bit further on.
I queried this information and asked, "Did you say Urkay"? She replied that that was what she had said and that my pronunciation was excellent.
Being a bit cautious, I asked her if she would be so kind as to write out "Urkay" on a bit of paper (just so that I could recognise the place when I got to it).
Looking at me in a slightly strange manner, she slowly wrote "OK"
(It helps if you know how the Swedes pronounce their alphabet)
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Probably been posted before, but anyway...
A lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too
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Have you been bugging my lounge ?
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slight tenuous car link , but here goes.
A good mate of mine, going through a car crash of a divorce, surprised me the other day when in a depressive mood said he didn't want to come out to the pub for a pint and watch the footy.
I asked what he was going to do instead.
He replied, "I'm going to go home and watch my wedding video, "
this greatly surprised me till he added, BACKWARDS, he added, that he loves the bit where she takes the ring off, walks back up the aisle , gets in the car and (disappears-had to be changed !!)
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The Pope was on a tour through the American southwest a few years ago.
At one point on a long straight road between Phoenix and Los Angeles, alone in the limousine with only his driver, he got to musing.
Tapping the window to get the driver's attention he said, "You know, it has been years since I have been allowed to drive myself, and I miss it. Do you think you could let me drive for a while - it looks easy enough on this road".
The driver agreed, they stopped, the Pope exchanged places with the driver and off they went. At first the Pope drove tentatively, but as the miles rolled on, the speed crept up and up until eventually a flashing red and blue appeared from behind.
The Pope dutifully pulled over, more than a little embarrassed, and the trooper swaggered up to deliver the usual sermon. When he saw who was driving he came completely unglued and was forced to make a feeble excuse while he rushed back to the cruiser.
On the radio to his supervisor, he said "I just pulled over this guy for speeding and I don't know what to do - he's so important!"
"How important can he be. Who is he - the sheriff?"
"No, he's way more important than that"
"The governor?"
"No, he's more important than that"
"The president??"
"No, he's even more important than that. Listen, this guy is so important, the Pope is his chauffeur!"
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Tata are reintroducing the Indica (City Rover) to the UK.
It would be hilarious if it wasn't true!
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I've often been asked, 'What do you old guys like you do now that you're retired?'
I always answer, 'Well, I have a friend who hangs out with me.'
He has a chemical engineering background and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, brandy and whiskey - into urine.
And, we're pretty damn good at it.
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That reminds me of PMQ today when Harriet Harman and William Hague were standing in for Brown and Cameron.
Hague was berating the PM's call for British households to stop wasting food, saying it was time government departments set an example (Ministries throw away tons of food annually), with Harman commenting that the last person Mr Brown would be taking advice about food from was someone who thinks a "..good diet is 18 pints a day". .
Hague: "None of that was ever wasted, I can assure you!" to much laughter.
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Motorist stopped in stationary traffic on M40 for an hour. Then he sees some men walking down the lines of cars talking to the drivers. One man gets to him and says:
'The reason for the hold up is some terrorists have captured Gordon Brown and are holding him just down the road and saying if they do not get a ransom of £10 million they will douse him in petrol and set him on fire so we are taking up a collection.'
'How much is each person giving?' Says the river.
'Most people are donating a litre.' Comes the reply.
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Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, 'You Sign! You sign!'
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, 'You Sign! You sign!'
Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.
The next day hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, 'You sign! You sign!'
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: 'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, 'You sign! you sign!'
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him: 'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
(It's a beauty)
(Wait for it)
(Get your very best Chinese accent ready)
'You not Nissan Main Deala?'
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old hat...already posted by me...............
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I think that one was already getting old when the organization he led was setting frag bombs in supermarkets to kill children. Saint he ain't.
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Saint he ain't.
Agreed, Mr Loose.
There seems to be a generation of 30/40somethings who gather their knowledge of world affairs from the lyrics of some equally ill-informed rock star.
I don't wish the old goat any ill, but neither will you find me queuing to put garlands around his neck.
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I don't wish the old goat any ill but neither will you find me queuing to put garlands around his neck.
would the garlands be 185/75/13" filled with petrol by any chance?
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would the garlands be 185/75/13" filled with petrol by any chance?
Now now, this thread is meant to contain jokes, not serious propositions....
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Could this ever have happened? A cop driving his cruiser along the road across the Nevada desert needed a break and stopped for a while, suitably refreshed he went to start the car - and nothing.
He figured he'd need a push to get the car started. After a while a women (a brunette) approached, the cop waved her down and asked if she would give his car a push with hers - and explained that, because of the automatic transmission, she would have to get up to 20mph before the transmission would engage to start his engine.
She looked a bit puzzled and backed up, the cop got in his car ready, and looking in his mirror saw that she'd reversed quite a way...
The collision accurred at exactly 20mph....
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Sales Rep on his way to a client when his car slows to a stop on a country lane miles from anywhere. Looking under the bonnet at the now dead engine he scratches his head when a voice says "Check your distributor cap clips"
(It's an old car) So he looks round, but can't see anyone. So again he starts to ponder what the problem could be, when the voice again says,
"I said, check the dizzy cap clips" Looking up, he sees a horse looking over the hedge. "Nah" he thinks, "Can't be" but felt compelled to check anyway & sure enough the cap was loose. Firing the motor up, he speeds on down the lane stopping at the first public house he comes to & asking for a large brandy, the landlord, seeing his ashen face, asks what's the matter. So our hero explains the events as they happened. "Was it a Black Stallion" asks the landlord. "Er! yes it was, why"? "Well your lucky it wasn't the Grey Mare that's in the same field, she knows damn all about cars";)
Larf? I nearly cried!
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One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food. The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth.
The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool.
One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool.
First he came upon the lion.
"Lion, Lion!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"
"No. Replied the lion, I have not seen your four point tool."
Then the chimp came upon the gorilla.
"Gorilla, Gorilla! he cried, Have you seen my four point tool?"
"No, Replied the gorilla, I have not seen your four point tool."
Then the chimp came upon the jaguar.
"Jaguar, Jaguar! he cried, Have you seen my four point tool?"
"Yup!" replied the jaguar, "I have seen your four point tool."
"Well where is it?" inquired the chimp.
"I ate it." Said the jaguar, smugly.
"Why would you do that?" Cried the chimp.
"Because," replied the big cat, "I am a four point tool eater Jaguar!"
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A trucker phones his boss:-
" You`ll have to send the wrecker out boss!"
Boss: " Why?"
Driver " busted mirror!"
Boss -- " I`m not sending the wrecker out for a busted mirror!"
Driver--" You`ll have to boss , the wagons lying on it!!
Apologies to all you truckers who`ve heard it before.
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Another truckers joke
A truck driver gets stuck under a low bridge.
After a while a policeman pulls up alongside.
"Are we stuck sir?" he smirks.
"No," replies the driver, sarcastically, "I was delivering this bridge and I've run out of diesel!"
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How many forum members does it take to change a headlamp bulb?
1 - to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 - to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 - to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
1 - to move it to the Lighting section.
2 - to argue then move it to the Electricals section.
7 - to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
5 - to flame the spell checkers.
3 - to correct spelling/grammar flames.
6 - to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
2 - industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".
15 - know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.
19 - to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light-bulb forum.
11 - to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.
36 - to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
7 - to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
4 - to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.
3 - to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
5 - people to hotlink to pictures of lightbulbs hosted on geocities.
6 - people to complain about dead images.
3 - people to tell them to right click the image and copy the URL into another window.
13 - to read all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers, images and signatures, and add "I agree".
5 - to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
4 - to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".
13 - to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".
1 - forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....
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2 - to start a bitter, nasty quarrel about the slight difference between their two equally incorrect understandings of the OP
1 - to suggest the thread be closed out of respect for the starving billions of the future, as in the present world situation promiscuous and frivolous dialogue about light bulbs constitutes encouragement to waste electricity, which is in finite supply
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How many mice does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
Never mind that! How did they get in there in the first place?
'twas nice knowing you all.
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14 - Blaming the whole problem of light bulbs on the state of the country, and the ingrates that call themselves teenagers
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3 - to agree that bulbs are things you plant in the ground. Lamps are devices that give off light when powered up.
Edited by oldnotbold on 21/07/2008 at 16:35
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1 - who begins every post with "nonsense" to begin his post with "nonsense" and then try to demonstrate his all-knowingness in three sentences.
2 - to claim that no-one could possibly know as much about changing light bulbs, light-bulbs or lamps as they do because they are light bulb, light-bulb or lamp changers and no mere armchair expert can ever understand the sheer grit, determination and general talent it takes to change a light bulb, light-bulb or lamp and that anyone not himself a light bulb, light-bulb or lamp changer should not really even be allowed to comment but merely to listen in silent admiration.
Edited by Optimist on 21/07/2008 at 16:38
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3 - to say they don't bother with light bulbs because the main dealer does all that at the regular 20,000 mile services for an all-in cost of £1890 plus VAT. One then adds a horror story about getting a light bulb changed by a dodgy independent who fried the whole wiring loom and landed the poster with a bill for £16,000, but the car doesn't feel the same any more and is now worth a fraction of its original stonking great price, would you believe it?
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4 - to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?". 13 - to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".
;-)
Screwloose - you should have known this. Done at least once before, if not repeated often:
www.honestjohn.co.uk/forum/post/index.htm?v=e&t=16...4
The sentence in that previous post
"1 'n00b' to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again. "
should say
" 1 'n00b' named Screwloose to start the thread all over again. "
;-)
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"1 'n00b' to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again " should say " 1 'n00b' named Screwloose to start the thread all over again. "
That was five years ago - I had a feeling this one had been around a while; but I didn't search that far back.....
Anyway, after that length of time it was worth revisiting.
[P.S. I've got 5,500 posts up; how many more do I need before I'm officially no longer a N00b?]
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Anyway, after that length of time it was worth revisiting
And soon a Mod will appear and consign it to the Motoring Jokes or Silly thread:
"1 - to move it to the Motoring Jokes or Silly section "
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As 5,497 of Screwloose's posts have been clear, concise and very helpful I think we should give him some latitude when he cuts loose with some well observed and tongue in cheek comments on other people's efforts!
Edited by Armitage Shanks {p} on 21/07/2008 at 18:19
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As 5,497 of Screwloose's posts have been clear, concise and very helpful
Did someone disagree?
when he cuts loose with some well observed and tongue in cheek comments
Do you mean give credit to "Smokie" who first posted this item 5 years ago, and admitted to its origin as some other forum?
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No
and
No
Edited by Armitage Shanks {p} on 21/07/2008 at 19:28
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Would the last person to leave this chatroom please remember to switch off the light bulb........
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Daft British utility co, sent me 4 free low energy lightbulbs, and they dont even fit anybody's car !
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If it's a red light bulb, then Number Cruncher will be happy.
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I was sat watching the football the other day, when SWMBO came in screaming that I never take her anywhere like I used to. She said you don't take any notice of me anymore and we never go anywhere Expensive.
This went on for ages, until I could take it no more, I said ok grab your coat.
Where we going then, I replied "you just reminded me we need to fill up your car -Is that expensive enough for you
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A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning,he got past security, stole the paintings and made it to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of fuel.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, " Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings"
" I had no Monet, to buy Degas, to make the Van Gogh."
See if you have De Gaulle, to tell this to someone else. I told you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.
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Huge apologies if this has been posted before...... It is bad!!!
A man was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'
'I'm out of petrol,' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and int o his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
'Try it now,' said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my petrol tank'?
The bee answered,
BP!
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That brought back happy memories of my late father and his enormous fund of the worst jokes ever (which also featured the Oomagoolies and Wherethehellarewe tribes, when the Chinaman went to the dentist, and many others).
He also told the Jaguar story, except that the big cat in his story ate the chap's ... er ... anyway, the punchline was that it was a tool-eater jaguar.
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The bee answered BP!
Heard it before but a long time ago.
Futurist Theatre Scarborough, late sixties. Either Kenn Dodd or the comic accompanying th Black and White Minstrels. Actually that version was slightly "shaggier" in that it involved the bee straying into the drivers car and speaking out when about to be squashed.
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...that I cannot find! good job one of us can!
A skull and a set of jump leads walk up to the front door of a bar:
Bouncer: Not tonight, lads.
Skull: Why not?
Bouncer: Cause you're out of your head, and he's going to start something!
Edited by Webmaster on 07/09/2008 at 17:04
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A blonde has run short of money, so she decides to look around for some casual work. She picks on a road with expensive-looking houses, knocks on the first front door and asks if there is any work going.
?Certainly,? says the guy who answers the door. ?The porch needs painting ? you?ll find a brush and plenty of paint in the garage, I?ll pay you ten quid if you do a good job.? So off she goes.
A bit later the guy?s wife asks him who was the blonde girl at the door ? so he tells her. ?That was a bit unkind,? she says. ?The porch goes round three sides of the house and it?s very high.?
Just then there?s a knock at the front door and it?s the blonde again. ?I?ve finished now,? she says. ?It didn?t take long and there was so much paint I gave it another couple of coats for luck.? The guy is really pleased, so he hands her a tenner and she walks off.
As she walks down the drive, she turns suddenly and shouts back: ?Oh, by the way, it isn?t a porch, it?s a Lexus.?
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>>?Oh, by the way, it isn?t a porch, it?s a Lexus.?
IIRC: PORSCHE !
Mind you the joke's probably not as old as me ;>)
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Sorry this is a long post, but it might ring true with many Backroomers !
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:
(1) Pull up to Peak Automotive when it is time for your next oil change
(2) Relax in a massage chair with a glass of wine, soda, coffee, or cappuccino while reading the latest Oprah, Parenting, or Shape Magazine or working on your laptop.
(3) 45 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle where the fluids have been topped off, car has been washed, tires rotated, and courtesy inspection completed.
Money Spent
Oil Change: $34.95 (non-synthetic oil change)
Wireless access: FREE
Glass of wine, soda, or coffee: FREE
Courtesy Inspection: FREE
Massage in chair: FREE
Total cost of peace of mind knowing your car is maintained: PRICELESS
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:
(1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00
(2) Stop by liquor store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
(3) Open a beer and drink it.
(4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Jack car up.
(5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
(6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
(7) Place drain pan under engine.
(8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
(9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
(10) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Cuss.
(11) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
(12) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
(13) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
(14) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
(15) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.
(16)Drink a beer.
(17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
(18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
(19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
(20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
(21) Walk to liquor store; buy beer.
(22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
(23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
(24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
(25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
(26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
(27) Drink beer.
(28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
(29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
(30) Drink beer.
(31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
(32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
(33) Begin cussing fit.
(34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
(35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992).
(36) Beer.
(37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
(38) Beer.
(39) Beer.
(40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
(41) Beer.
(42) Lower car from jack stands.
(43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
(44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
(45) Beer.
(46) Test drive car.
(47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
(48) Car gets impounded.
(49) Call loving wife, make bail.
(50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money Spent
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $40.00
Total: $4165.00 -- But you know the job was done right! !
Edited by smokie on 16/01/2009 at 12:54
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Apologies to those who replied, I inadvertently lost your replies when moving the above. smokie
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I noticed recently that one of my second-hand spanners has got the name of the previous owner on it ~ Pat Pending.
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>>> Pat Pending
That's me! Can I have it back, please?
PP
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My driving examiner asked me what colour traffic light came after green. I replied "I don't know, I've always gone by then."
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Driver lost in Surrey - stops and asks pedestrian, pointing ahead: 'Leatherhead?'
Pedestrian: 'Fish-face yourself'.
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My car was misfiring and not running at all well the other day. I managed to get it round to the garage where the mechanic lifted the bonnet to have a look. I asked if he had any idea what it was. He thought for a while and said 'crap in the carburettor'.
I said 'well, I will if you want, but how will that cure the problem?'
Ted
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Refueling from an unusual container attracts comment.
(From a serious site.)
www.snopes.com/autos/techno/faith.asp
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Over the last month I became a victim of a clever "Eastern European" scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury's for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It's impossible not to look especially with all the water splashing on them.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say "No" and instead ask you for a lift to another store, in my case Tesco in Harford Bridges, Norwich. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th 26th and 29th. Also June 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th and three times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend.
So be Warned!!
P.S. Lidl have wallets on sale for as little as £1.99 each.
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No time to post, on way to Norwich.
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Could be as silly a story line for Wallet and Gromit...
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To take full advantage,just make sure the wallet is empty!!
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have any of you got any funny motoring related jokes?
here goes
two old nuns are driving through the woods of transilvania when they break down.
a short time later a strange pale being with large fangs appears infront of them in the road.
as he draws near one of the nuns says " show him your cross" and with that the other one rolls down the window and shouts "pink fluffy dice off or i'll batter you"
not the best but it's a start, alf
Edited by Dynamic Dave on 19/08/2009 at 01:32
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I was out one day with my German friend, in his car, when it started raining.
All of a sudden 2 snakes slithered over the windscreen.. seeing I was shocked he said, 'Don't vorry, they are mine vindscreen vipers......'
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"not the best but it's a start, alf"
No, it`s the end Alf - cos this is the Bermuda triangle for threads........... ;-)
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oh no, the ats waiting room of destiny.
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Some favourites:
*** You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
*** I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
*** The bloke next door changed his name to LS09 ABC just so he can own a personalised number plate!
*** A traffic cop flagged down a motorist and said, 'I'm arresting you for going through three red lights.'
'Yeah, well, I'm colour blind,' said the motorist.
'In addition to that, you were exceeding the speed limit,' said the policeman. 'So what?' said the motorist. 'And on top of all that you were going the wrong way down a one-way street,' added the officer. 'I always did have a lousy sense of direction,' said the motorist with a smile.
At that point, his wife leaned forward from the ,back seat and said, 'Don't pay any attention to him, officer. He always talks like this when he's had a few drinks.'
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A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head.... In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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After his latest car crash, George Michael is to release a reworking of the old Wham classic and rename it "Wake me up, I've hit your Volvo!!"
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Farmer's phone rings.......It's his redneck farmhand...
'Boss, I just hit a pig with the truck, it's stuck in the bull bars and it's wriggling and making a hell of a noise, what can I do ? '
Farmer..' Take the rifle from the gun rack behind the seat, shoot it in the head and pull it out of the bars '
A minute later, phone rings again ' I sure did that , Boss, but I still can't move the truck '
Farmer...'Why not, boy ?'
' Cos his motorbike's stuck under the wheel arch and the blue light's still flashing !'
Ted
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3 guys marooned in the Sahara desert after a multiple pile-up all decide to carry something from the crash that will help them get back to civilisation.
The first rescues a windscreen washer bottle to drink from.
The second finds an umbrella - It will keep the sun off and if it rains he can drink from it.
The third is carrying the door from a 1964 Vauxhall Victor.
Why? ask the other two.
Well, if it gets hot I can always wind the window down....................
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