For the continued discussion of all things pertaining to motoring jokes.
This is Volume 6, Volume 5 is closed.
There is no need to repeat anything since earlier volumes will not be deleted.
Anything over the line will get deleted without reference to you; too much of it and the entire thread will simply go.
The others linger on somewhere on the site, if your that desperate you can search for them using forum search.
Anything that has an "ist" when describing it will be binned, motoring link also a requirement.
898285
Edited by Pugugly on 25/08/2009 at 09:50
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So proscriptive & prescriptive PU - reminds me of a Yoga teacher who got uptight when we couldn't perfectly complete an asana - hardly set the tone really.. ;)
Not that anyone will see this of course - feel free to delete without reference!
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Anything that has an "ist" when describing it will be binned ...
What!? Even "Motorist"?
Three guys died. When they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter
met them and said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because
you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you
something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get.
You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big!"
The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long
were you married?"
The first guy says, "24 years."
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?" Peter asked.
The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times, but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Lada to
drive."
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter
and says, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once,
but that was our first year, so we really worked it out."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that; here's your BMW."
The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're
going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at
another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Porsche!"
A little while later, the two guys with the BMW and the
Lada saw the guy with the Porsche crying on the golden sidewalk,
so they went to see what was the matter.
When they asked the guy with the Porsche what was wrong, he said,
"I just saw my wife; she was on a skateboard!"
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hahaha, very funny likedDrivingOnce ..straight out of razzle maganine i shouldnt wonder?
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Over the last month I became a victim of a clever "Eastern European" scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into the Supermarket for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It's impossible not to look especially with all the water splashing on them.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say "No" and instead ask you for a lift to another store. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th 26th and 29th. Also June 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th and three times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend.
So be Warned!!
P.S. Lidl have wallets on sale for as little as £1.99 each.
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Hey LDO, both of those have been aired here within the last year...
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Sorry, Lud. I am a relatively new member, and I haven't been able to catch up with the content of all the threads yet....this is an impressively big Back Room.
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Oh you have to read every posting since 2002 !!!!
:-)
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Hey LDO both of those have been aired here within the last year...
That would be the skimpy shirts then Lud!
M
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It was raining quite heavily on the M4 as I was catching up with the lorry in front of me.
Suddenly, The double brake lights powered by 24v with extra bright L.E.Ds dazzled me,
The Ferodo air powered vented disc brakes stopped the lorry a lot quicker than I could stop my car.
As I crashed into the powder coated rear bumper made from 100mm x 150mm box section steel breaking my arm, 3 ribs, and my pelvis, I realised this was no ordinary Lorry . . . . .
This was an M&S lorry
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I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car
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The old ones are still the best.....:-)
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Not necessarily motoring related, but could describe some backroom members??
www.joke-of-the-day.com/jokes/internet-forum-light...e
(sorry, things like this I usually bin right away, but though of some posts on here ;>)
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Shouldn't it be 'light maintenance' rather than 'lightbulb maintenance'?
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One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car
pulled up beside him and its window was wound down.
I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car," said the
driver.
"No way, get stuffed!!" replied the boy.
"How about a bag of lollies and £10?" the driver asked.
"I said no way!" replied the irritated youngster.
What about a bag of juicy lollies and £50, eh?" quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.
"No! I'm not getting in the car!" answered the boy.
"Okay, okay. I know what you want. I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies," the driver offered.
"No!" screamed the boy.
"What will it take to get you into the car?" asked the driver in a long sigh.
The boy replied: "Listen Dad, you bought the Landrover, you live with it!"
With due thanks to "Bear" from another forum
PS
I drive der "G" wagens
Edited by Dynamic Dave on 23/10/2009 at 14:49
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Mexican poem .........
Si senor, derdago
Forty lorrez inaro
Demarnt lorrez, demar trux
Fulov cowsand ensan dux.
Edited by L'escargot on 23/10/2009 at 15:15
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We used to use one very similar to that as a typesetting exercise 40-odd years ago.
We also used this one, set out as an Eastern European business card:
Vyisdair Asmeny
Horsisarsis, asderis Horsis.
B. Cosderis
Wunars Perorz.
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Heard this somewhere this week.
What would a cat driving an F1 car sound like ?
Miiiiiiiaaaaaooooowwwwww.......
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and theres another one
whats the difference between a "G" Wagen & a Landrover
A "G" Wagen keeps the oil in
and the water out
boom boom
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I've just been sent this load of jokes about Lucas electrics. I dont know the reality, but they amused me:
Lucas Jokes
Why didn't the Germans bomb the Lucas plants during WWII? The Germans considered Lucas an ally.
The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."
"And the Lord said 'let there be light'...Joseph Lucas replied 'no way, Lord, no way'."
Lucas denies having invented darkness. But they still claim "sudden, unexpected darkness".
Lucas--inventor of the first intermittent wiper.
Lucas--inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.
The three-position Lucas switch--DIM, FLICKER and OFF. The other three switch settings--SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE.
The original anti-theft devices--Lucas Electric products.
"I've had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never experienced any prob..."
If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.
Did you hear about the Lucas powered torpedo? It sank.
It's not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal Ohm's Law. They withdrew their efforts when they met too much resistance.
Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night, since they all look the same?" "He replied, it doesn't matter which one you use, nothing happens!"
Back in the '70s Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which didn't suck.
Quality Assurance phoned and advised the Engineering guy that they had trouble with his design shorting out. So he made the wires longer.
Why do the English drink warm beer? Lucas made the refrigerators, too.
Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone. Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb. Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.
Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment: check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times clockwise around your car chanting: "Oh mighty Prince of Darkness protect your unworthy servant."
Lucas systems actually uses AC current; it just has a random frequency.
Lucas is an acronym for Loose Unsoldered Connections and Splices.
In the 1980's Lucas tried to get into the newly burgeoning PC market, but they discontinued the product when they couldn make it leak oil.
Why are there no skyscrapers in London? Lucas makes elevators
Lucas Factory motto, put in a good day's work then home before dark.
Why is there no death penalty in England? Lucas makes electric chairs.
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They used the "Prince of Darkness" motto without irony it seems.
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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really miffed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Terryb
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I?m just going for a test drive in a new Toyota Prius.
Chat later, can?t stop.
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Are anecdotes acceptable?
cos a mate who was in the Army for 22 years was reminising toher night.
When stationed in Germany he was in charge of a detail moving some considerable distance in a minibus.
knowing the driver he insisted that the driver check
P=petrol
O=oil
W=water
E=electrics
R=roadworthniess
****************
100% checked Sir
****************
So off they set............... to very soon expire with an overheated siezed engine.
I thought you had checked the water/coolant my mate says to the Driver
"I did Sir, but this one must be air cooled, because I could not find a radiator".
Dont be silly man, or words to that effect, as they opened the bonnet.
But the driver WAS correct.........cos............ the radiator was still sitting in the garage with the mechanics.
Doh indeed!
Edited by dieseldogg on 11/02/2010 at 14:26
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I'll use that one in the pub tonight.
Edit: This was in reply to DD's Prius.
Edited by bathtub tom {p} on 11/02/2010 at 14:26
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"The car in front is always a Toyota"
I hear that Toyota have already introduced start/stop technology although not necessarily on the same car, simultaneously.
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Toyota have changed their slogan to
'The car in your front room is a Toyota'
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Just bought a shiny new Toyota.......chat later, can't stop!
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Get there quicker in a Prius - no start stop motoring with one of these - it's all GO!
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::points Cymrogwyllt towards my 13:23 posting::
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my apologies for not readingg the entire thread>> ::points Cymrogwyllt towards my 13:23 posting::
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This may have been done before, but took me ages to dream up, so hope not...
A man loses control of his Mercedes and drives it into the lake. He's now got the Benz.
Sorry, etc etc. I shan't consider a career change.
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Toyota have announced that they will be taking part in Formula 1 this year after all.
They reckon they'll be unstoppable.
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