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Haynes Manuals - a translation! - Chas{P}
For all those aspiring car mechanics out there, this is a selection of translated phrases from the Haynes Manual (for those not in the UK, this is a British car repair manual, available for most cars made prior to 2000, and the odd one made after. Does any of this sound familiar?


Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer in the anticlockwise direction.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles on both hands.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez, what was that? It nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK – that’s the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out that pesky bayonet bit.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing. Then re-check the manual because this cannot be 'lightly' what you are doing now.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But Ford Fiesta’s are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Fiesta spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!


Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for it whilst muttering "b*gger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Pry away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an Auto Club card and mobile phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, but not the thing you want to do!






Haynes Manuals - a translation! - Robin
I have just spotted a new Haynes manual in my local bookshop - the Haynes guide to Man. According to the intro. it covers all makes, models, ages and colours. It is a guide to mens' health. It is in the exactly the same style as a 'conventional' Haynes guide with chapters on the engine (brain) chassis (body) etc and even has fault finding charts. It is not at all a joke, being written by a proper doctor. I guess it uses the Haynes format in order to get a serious message - health and wellbeing for men - over in a slightly quirky manner. It certainly got my attention and made me smile. An excellent extension of the Haynes brand - take a look.
Haynes Manuals - a translation! - Onetap
I recently went into Halfords to get a Haynes manual for a Mondeo. I looked on the display shelves but couldn't find it. I looked in the list and found that I wanted manual No 1927. I approached the youth at the counter and said; " Do you have any other Haynes manuals, besides those on the shelves? I need one for a Ford Mondeo, number nineteen twenty-seven."

"Oooh", he said "I don't think we'll have that one."

From under the display shelves, he pulled out a storage box which contained a pile of Haynes manuals, including the one for the Mondeo.

?What year did you say it was?? he asked.

?Nineteen ninety-eight.? I said.

?I thought you said it was nineteen twenty-seven? said the youth.

Haynes Manuals - a translation! - Dynamic Dave
Seen it, read the book, got the t-shirt :o)

www.honestjohn.co.uk/forum/post/index.htm?t=7468&m...e
Haynes Manuals - a translation! - Mike H
...but still amusing! I don't have a lot of time for the Haynes manuals. Many is the time I've read the simple "Remove the gringewangler" - yeah, I'd worked that out, what I want to know is *how* to remove the gringewangler. Why have I undone every visible fixing & the thing still won't move - ah yes, it's the hidden fixing not mentioned and not visible.