S4 Black Edition

Fine engineering spoiled by anorak gimmicks

Get in and the cabin is very pleasant. The compact, stitched leather wheel matches a leather gaiter on the gear selector. The wheel has a flat section at the bottom which is slightly useful for getting in, as I like the wheel set low. The heated seats are very comfortable and adjust in every possible way. The door shuts with a satisfying thump, but the door frame and pillar are quite wide and I have to take extra care when traffic is coming from the right. The centre console is the expensive Multi Media Interface with access to GPS navigation, DAB radio, music sourced from a hard disk or secure digital card, and the Parking Aid proximity display. There is a repeater information window in front of the driver with a digital speedometer, and this also relays navigation instructions when a destination is put in.
I have loaded an 8 gigabyte sd card with hours of classical music and it is still less than half full. Who needs a CD player when a laptop can be used to rip music to this convenient package. The Media button on the MMI displays the contents of the sd card, repeating exactly the Windows folders on my laptop. Thus you start with folder 'Music', which holds a separate folder for each composer or group. These folders hold more sub folders in a tree structure and finally the description of the piece can be 'renamed' if necessary and will be displayed on the MMI screen. All very pleasing.
I put the boxy key in its slot and press down to switch on the ignition. The garage floods with light and you think that the headlights have come on. Not so, because it is the intensely bright LED running lights. Last year there was a user selectable option to have these on or off but now Audi do not allow any choice in the matter. Also the music comes on and this is another irritation. At home when I switch on my TV the sound level is where it was when I switched off. With the Audi the sound level always reverts back to level 12 when the engine is switched off and, as I am a bit deaf, I have to wind it up to level 17.
Foot on brake, press down on key and the engine starts. Select reverse, and the MMI screen changes to display the proximity bars from the Parking Aid system. The bleeps get more urgent the nearer the car is to a solid object, and finally sound continuously before contact is made. I like this system. Drive out of garage, handbrake on, gear lever in 'Park', open driver's door to close garage and the engine stops. I asked Audi Customer Care about this and they thought there was a fault on my car. Later, technical updates identified it as a new 'safety feature'. This is another silly idea from the nannying Audi anoraks. It means an additional cold start, which will increase engine wear, because a rich fuel mixture dilutes the oil on the cylinder walls even with fuel injection and modern synthetic oils. Once started, an engine should be allowed to reach working temperature.
And so I set off. The S-tronic dual clutch gearbox is most impressive. Changes between the 7 ratios are almost imperceptible. However the 'D' drive mode is clearly set for maximum economy and chooses to run fifth gear at 30 mph and sixth gear at 40 mph. This equals 1200 rpm in both cases and is lugging a bit for a sporting, supercharged 330 bhp engine. A short spring loaded nudge backwards on the gear lever will select or deselect the 'S' sporting mode and now the revs rise to 2200 in third gear for 30 mph and 2200 in fourth at 40 mph. This is better for running in a new engine which has only done 600 miles. The long legged gait of 'D' is fine for economical cruising when out of built up areas and the quick nudge down to 'S' is excellent when used entering a roundabout and getting a speedy exit without having to use kickdown. The use of 'S' also gives a much more sporting rasp to the exhaust sound. There are paddles behind the wheel but I don't think I will ever use them. Moving the lever to the left from 'D' selects the sequential gearbox operation. I find it is useful to select and hold first gear in high rise car parks and climb the ramps with minimum effort.
Now, in reading off the speed to rpm ratios I can clearly see the digital speedometer but have to look carefully at the rev counter because the backlighting has gone out. The needles for revs, speedometer, engine temperature, and fuel are illuminated but a photo resistor in the area of the speedometer has switched off the background lighting. The smug booklet that comes with the S4 calls it the 'Intelligent dashboard light prompt'. It is Audi's coercive way of disciplining the driver to switch the headlights to 'Automatic', so that the backlighting is restored. It is a normal dry January day and nobody else has headlights on, but now I have the high power xenon headlights as well as those LED running lights. This, of course, demonstrates the famous Vorsprung durch Technik. Any fool could send a message to the driver's information panel saying 'Please consider switching your headlights on now', but it takes real genius to think of switching off the instrument lights. How long will it be before the aviation and shipping world adopt this ground breaking technology? Perhaps they could use a new slogan – Audi Dummkopf.
Oddly, the headlights are activated by a different light cell behind the mirror and when they come on the navigation screen is changed to night mode which is useless in daylight. Surely the light cell could detect when it is nearly dark before taking this action.
I would prefer not to use the compulsory running lights at all. Motor cyclists need to be seen and should always use headlights during the day, but if every vehicle on the road uses bright running lights the two wheeled riders become harder to distinguish. Safety studies call this the 'Impairment of Conspicuity of Motorcycles', and the use of running lights by car drivers is deemed to be 'an illusory safety advantage over less conspicuous, more vulnerable road users'.
Another area where Audi try to influence the driver is the Stop/Start system. I consider it to be a green fad and have no wish to use it on the S4. It should be possible to switch it off permanently via the Multi Media Interface. However, it has to be switched off manually every time the engine is started, and when I forget, it is most disconcerting. There is a slight delay while the engine restarts and if I want to pull out from a 'T' junction, with a convoy of heavy trucks approaching, I do not want to have a dead engine.
One final criticism concerns the dimming mirrors. This feature is always on until switched off. When the door mirrors are dimmed, a following vehicle seems further back, and in normal open road conditions I prefer them clear not greeny. It is worth having when the car behind has very bright (xenon?) or undipped lights but a simple on/off rocker switch on the mirror would be better.
I have nothing but praise for the engineers who designed and built the S4. The performance is excellent and it is a pleasure to drive. Unfortunately it is the Audi anoraks who are spoiling the car with their silly gimmicks. There is a Teutonic arrogance here which is saying “We have ways to make you drive this car as we intend”. It would be a better car if the MMI gave the customer a choice of the functions to be used, but when I put these points to Audi Customer Relations I was told that “We are happy that your vehicle is functioning as intended”.

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