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Nothing whatever to do with motoring - Darcy Kitchin
An ex-colleague in Canada sent me this and I hope you find it as amusing as I did.

"Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known As" squawks," submitted by QUANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by Maintenance engineers. By the way Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = the problem logged by the pilot.
S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.

-------------------------------------
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
S: Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack
normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed."
Re: Nothing whatever to do with motoring - ian (cape town)
darcy,
Seen it before, but is still an absolute scream!
try www.f-16.net, for even more in the same vein.
Re: Nothing whatever to do with motoring - Brian
As Ian says, not new, but still I can't keep a straight face reading it
Re: Nothing whatever to do with motoring - Alwyn
With your permission, I will pass this to the aircraft company wherein worketh my dear wife.

( Off to the Grosvenor Hotel in Chester tomorrow for our annual bop with the fly boys - or the Brylcreem b******s, as the Army calls the RAF chaps.

Wizard prang, Sir.
Re: Nothing whatever to do with motoring - Simon Saxton

Highly amusing Darcy.

Simon
Re: Nothing whatever to do with motoring - Simon Saxton

Highly amusing Darcy.

Simon
Re: Nothing whatever to do with motoring - Anthony Farrar
Seen it before - very amusing. IFF means Identification, Friend or Foe and is fitted to military aircraft, I wonder why Quantas use it? Someone will probably put me right though.
Re: Nothing whatever to do with motoring - THe Growler
As one who spent many years close to private aviation operations let me tell you there exist no bigger prima donnas than the glorified truck drivers walking around calling themselves flight deck crew. How about captain's refusal to fly because previous shift incumbent had left his chewing gum stuck under the right hand seat?
Re: Nothing whatever to do with motoring - Randolph Lee
I first saw a version of this list in the 60s when I was flying with the CAP as a Cadet... It was then referenced to a National Guard transport (MAC) unit that was still flying Recips (hence the one about the missing engine) when it crops up now it tends to have an airline name attached to it.

~R
 

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