Here are some sayings that would make good bumper stickers:
1. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
2. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
3. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
4. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
5 I intend to live forever - so far, so good
6. I love defenceless animals, especially in a good gravy
7. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
8. If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
9. Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
10. Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
11. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
12. Robin Hood was a terrorist
13. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it
14. Shake well before and after use
15. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
16. The light at the end of the tunnel is a muzzle flash
17. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
18. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
19. People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's
safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
20. "Honk if you have never seen an Uzi fired from a car window."
I'll have to dig out some insurance claim quotes next!
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Insurance quotes
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I
thought."
"A car drove away at speed catching our client who went up in the air
and his head went through the windscreen and then rolled off at the
traffic lights a good few feet away. The car then sped off and
miraculously
our client remained conscious and managed to cross the road."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I
realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a
blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?
A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow.
The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo
"I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and
another on the woman behind".
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an
elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose
concentration and hit a bollard."
"On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the
other
car didn't give way."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming
to apologise. Two of the men grabbed hold of me by the arms, and the
first slapped me several times across the face. I Knee'd the man in
the
groin, but didn't connect properly, so I kicked him in the shin."
"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion
reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions
and
was blocked by a tanker."
"Mr. X is in hospital and says I can use his car and take his wife
while he is there. What shall I do about it?"
"No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it
happened."
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have
asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a
hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.
"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis
ran
into the rear of second car."
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss
X put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies' loo."
"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and
had an accident. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at
my
mother-in- law and headed over the embankment."
"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I
don't have."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its
intention."
"I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put
my
head through it".
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way".
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face".
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times
before I hit him."
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I
reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I
did not see the other car."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my
universal
joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the
pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the
road when I struck him."
"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
"I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the
roof of my car"
"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car
with a big mouth
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in
a
ditch by some stray cows."
* Your kid may be an honours student, but you're still an idiot.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at maths.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Aunty Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* All men are idiots, and I married their King.
* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
* Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.
* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
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Also
* Just remember that however bad things are, when you look back these will be "The Good Old Days".
* He who hesitates is lost, and he who is lost hesitates.
Brian
Still learning (I hope)
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Insurance quote:
"I suffered an injury to my wife."
Oz (as was)
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Some more car-related top tips.
A next-door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
Happy Friday.
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Two fish in a tank.
First fish to second fish: OK you drive, I'll fire the gun.
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OK - one for Audi lovers:-
A German guy approaches a prostitute. "I vish to buy sex vit you".
"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 Euro an hour".
"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky".
"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky".
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs".
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees. "Now you vill get on your hans und knees" She duly does this, balancing on the springs.
"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."
She finds this odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying. The sex is fantastic.
She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered the breath to say:
"That was totally amazing, what do you call that?"
"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique".
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Two parrots sitting on a perch.
First parrot to second parrot: Do you smell fish?
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Promted by a recent posting: some more as above
A married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady eighty
kilometres per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years.but I
want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly
increases her speed to ninety kph. The husband speaks again. "I
don't want you to try and talk me out of it" he says, "because I've been
having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover
than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly
and slowly increases the speed to one hundred and ten.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to
120."I want the car, too," he continues. 130kph. "AND," he says,
I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete flyover.
This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her..
"Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've
got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he enquires, "so what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at 160 clicks, the wife turns to
him and smiles. "The airbag."
Female Guinness Book of Records
Driving too close
The record for the longest time period sat in a car without uttering
"you're driving to close..." is held by a Mrs Shipham of Cheltenham.
On 18th August 1996 her husband agreed to take her shopping in London and it was on this journey that she clocked up a whole 2 hours 21 minutes 43 seconds before breaking the silence.
Even though it has been confirmed that 2 hours 21 minutes and 33 seconds of that was spent sleeping - the record is still
valid according to Guinness officiators.
Top Tips
Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen,
sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and
driving the wrong way up one way streets
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