1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer officer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?]
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the boot are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyeslook glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
13. Is there a problem CONSTABLE?
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I like #1 & #13 ....lol
--
groups.msn.com/honestjohn - Pictures say a thousand words.....
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I hear that
"where were you when my granny got mugged - persecuting innocent motorists I bet"
goes down very well and will illicit you a sympathetic hearing
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I strongly recommend everybody to pick up the late great Bill Hicks' 'Philosophy' CD or the 'Love all the people' book of sketches, letters and routines. He has a few hysterical sketches about being caught drivin whilst drunk or tripping. One of the funniest involves a 'talking' car warning system under the influence of acid:
'Warning - the door is ajar'
so we pulled over and thought about that.. for eight hours..
'How can a door be a jar? Why did they put a jar in a car?...'
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Who can forget Bob Newhart's "Driving Instructor" with lines like
"the lights on the car behind you made you crash?"
"oh, the FLASHING RED lights of the car behind you made you crash!!"
"just take the next left up here"
"sorry, my mistake, when I said next left I meant the next road, I didn't mean this gentleman's garden! Sir, can you switch off your sprinkler?"
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14. Does your head go all the way to the top of your helmet?
15. Why has your car's bonnet got ECILOP written on it?
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My all-time favourite response is the old one:
"I'm shorry ocifer, when I'm a bit pished I do try to be careful, and maybe I washn't careful enough" ...
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"Can't you seem I'm in a hurry!" always ensures a fine toothed comb vehicle check
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Here's one I made up before I was of driving-age, many moons ago:-
Officer: "Why are you driving this car, sonny?"
Youth: "Because my father was chasing me officer.."
Office: "Why was your father chasing you?"
Youth: "Because I was driving his car!"
Well, it seemed funny at the time :oD
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'Listen sonny - I'm a personal friend of the Chief Constable and I'll have you suspended ' rather guarantees a friendly response.
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Margot Ledbetter to Constable:
'As a matter of fact I am'
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officer: "Did you realise you was doing over 40 in a 30 limit ?"
driver: "no I was not, I was doing much less than that"
officer: " I am afraid you was sir"
wife of driver: "Officer, there is no point arguing with him when he's had a drink you know"
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works if you happen to be driving his car at the time.eg "is this your car sir" "no" " whos car is it sir" "your bosses check on your radio if you dont believe me" 2 minutes or so pass "carry on sir have a nice evening sir"
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Both the following are true - my wife was involved in both cases...
Cop parked in dark corner of pub car park. Sees bloke staggering towards his car. Bloke tries for a minute to get his key into the lock, eventually keels over. Plod approaches prone bloke and asks if he is alright. Bloke replies \"Aye cock, I\'m well *******, just help me into my car and I\'ll be off\"
Plod driving on M/way, sees car ahead cross the hard shoulder, go up bank, turn over and come to rest back on hard shoulder.
Plod approaches ashen faced driver, and asks if he\'s alright and whether he has been drinking \"Drinking? Drinking? Of course I\'ve been drinking, what do you think I am a ****** stunt driver?\"
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You could try Paul Whicker's (of viz fame) jibe.
If the copper mentions their children, e.g. "My son drives better than you, sir", answer "You've got a son?!?! I didn't know coppers had [the equipment]!".
V
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Both the following are true - my wife was involved in both cases... Cop parked in dark corner of pub car park. Sees bloke staggering towards his car. Bloke tries for a minute to get his key into the lock, eventually keels over. Plod approaches prone bloke and asks if he is alright. Bloke replies \"Aye cock, I\'m well *******, just help me into my car and I\'ll be off\" Plod driving on M/way, sees car ahead cross the hard shoulder, go up bank, turn over and come to rest back on hard shoulder. Plod approaches ashen faced driver, and asks if he\'s alright and whether he has been drinking \"Drinking? Drinking? Of course I\'ve been drinking, what do you think I am a ****** stunt driver?\"
I hope your wife's a policewoman Nsar, coz if she isn't it would appear she's a male habitual drunk (and amateur stunt driver) ;)
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By the magic of Google.....
Plod driving on M/way, sees car ahead cross the hard shoulder, go up bank, turn over and come to rest back on hard shoulder. Plod approaches ashen faced driver, and asks if he\'s alright and whether he has been drinking \"Drinking? Drinking? Of course I\'ve been drinking, what do you think I am a ****** stunt driver?\"
seems awfully similar to something on this page:
www.unwind.com/jokes-funnies/drinkingjokes/drinkin...l
and I've had the other one sent to me more times than I care to remember.....
No Dosh
mailto:Alan_moderator@honestjohn.co.uk
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Or what about another "honest its true" story...
The guy who goes down the motorway slip road and realises he has taken the wrong junction. Reverses back up but someone runs into the back of him. The police come along and say to him
"its alright sir, the other driver says he was coming off the slip road and you were reversing up it but we have breathalysed him and he is over the limit"
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Perhaps my mind is playing tricks - it's a long time since she told me (she's a barrister) perhaps it wasn't one of her cases and she had been told it by someone. Who knows (cares)? I'm certain the one about the car park was her case though and that was a few years back, it is the sort of thing that would do the rounds.
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Away and work!
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Never say "Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa"; just cry and snuffle through your tears "my husband will kill me when he gets home".
Rita
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>>just cry and snuffle through your tears "my husband will kill me when he gets home".
I just don't see that working for me.
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Policeman: 'Didn't you see the arrows sir?'
Motorist: 'I didn't even see the Indians officer!'
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OK, this thread hasn't had enough ignorance yet.
So, I will just ask, what on earth is ECILOP? (Dave?)
HF
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OK, this thread hasn't had enough ignorance yet. So, I will just ask, what on earth is ECILOP? (Dave?)
It's written in reverse on the bonnet of the cop car so that when you look in your rear view mirror it spells POLICE.
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Oh blimmin' heck I didn't realise even I was being *that* ignorant. My apologies and thanks!
HF
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Coffee meet Mr. keyboard.
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