December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked
eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light
the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time;
however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis - Human Resources Director
December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with
Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are
celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no
Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis - Human Resources Director
December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but,
don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous
anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the
union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis - Human Researchers Director
December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet
and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.
Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will
be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?
Patty Lewis - Human Racehorses Director
December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus!
Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation
to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis - Human Ratraces
December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit
whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death,"
as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know,
tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.
I'm hearing them right now. Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell!
December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness.
I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided
to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
_________________________________________________________
.
|
This rings true - I am tasked with organising the Dealership Xmas do [next Friday]
It is a thankless task trying to keep everybody happy.......
"Look, the Company is hosting a Christmas Meal etc, at NO expense to yourselves, please yourself, if it doesn't suit you then don't bother turning up!"
- is a phrase I have been using lately!!
All you end up doing is worrying on the night - will everything be OK?
I am going to do my best to avoid being the 'responsible one' next year.
Rgds
David (Lacking in the Xmas cheer)
|
David,
Have you nominated the employee to do something daft he/she will regret....or does Guy travel over and save everyone the trouble?
David
|
Marvellous, Alwyn!
I might 'steal' that, and send it out around our company - just swop the names with our HR dept, who have PC disease de luxe!
On an equally festive note, I read the RoSPA have issued a warning to office workers NOT to photocopy their bottoms at Xmas parties, as it is a dangerous thing to do ...
What is the world coming to?
|
|
|
|
When I worked for the mighty Thorn EMI, our department's Christmas do was always organised according to these basic rules; food, money behind the bar (but not enough for whole evening), noisy room with band, activities etc., quiet room for folk to talk or argue, and transport home for all. It semed to work.
Good luck David.
|
|
|
|
|
Thanks, it does seem highly plausible - makes me glad I'm retired. There is indeed something strangely chilling about the term "Human Resources".
|
|
|
|
And the use of 'task' as a verb......
|
|
|
Ha!
I never fail to amuse - at my expense, of course.
Thanks DW.
Merry Xmas!
Rgds,
Guy (Brimming with Xmas Cheer) Lacey
|
|
|
