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What? Like: Why do Skodas have heated rear windows? To keep your hands warm when you push them.
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Man walks into a pub with a roll of tarmac under one arm;
"I'll have a pint of lager, please".
"Certainly sir, and one for the road ?"
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Paddy and Seamus were standing in the middle of a narrow country road, near a bend, having a chat and not taking any notice of anything else. Along the road came a car at high speed. Driver sees Paddy and Seamus, slams on his brakes, and skids through a gateway into the field at the side of the road. Paddy to Seamus "Did you see that, Seamus? If we had been standing in the field we would have been killed!"
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L'escargot by name, but not by nature.
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Car screams to a halt outside a pub. Driver leaps out, crashes through the door and shouts 'Quick, quick, how tall are penguins?'
'About 2 feet' comes the reply.
'Oh no' wails the driver 'then I must have run over a nun'....
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I know I\'m pushing my luck here, but this is eye-wateringly funny, so perhaps the mods will be laughing so much they\'ll forget to delete.
Er, no. Not only is it not motoring, it isn\'t new and it\'s not that funny. C- See me after class.
No Dosh
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Semi-motoring - maybe old - I've ripped it off my son.
2 chickens walking down the street, one stops to cross the road. The other one cries 'Nooooo! You'll never hear the end of it.'
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A guy driving a Yugo pulled up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"
The driver of Rolls looked over and said simply, "Yes I have a phone."
The driver of the Yugo said, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, said, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo said, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, said, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo said, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!" Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.
The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day.
Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo.
When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet. "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "Jeez, buddy, you got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?"
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C- See me after class. No Dosh
>>
Sorry Sir, didn't no you wuz a Beckham fan. Can't stay behind - I've got a doctor's appointment.
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Two rabbits were discussing what to do at night if they were in the middle of the road and a car should come along with blazing headlights. First rabbit said he would crouch down in line with the middle of the two headlights, and then the car would pass over him without a problem. Shortly afterwards the first rabbit meets the second rabbit, who is now covered with bandages. "What happened", asks the first rabbit. "I took your advice" said the second rabbit, "but unfortunately the car was a Reliant Robin!"
--
L'escargot by name, but not by nature.
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Not exactly jokes, but true court case results from the land of the absurd:-
19-year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses in 1998 when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.
In 1998, Terrence Dickson of Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and
garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation so Mr Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food he found. He sued the homeowner's
insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a
little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it
repeatedly with a pellet gun.
In November 2000 Mr Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City purchased a
brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having joined the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr Grazinski sued Winnebago
for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn't actually do this.
He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie. (Winniebago actually changed their handbooks on the back of this court case, just in case there are any other complete morons buying their vehicles.)
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In November 2000 Mr Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having joined the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn't actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie. (Winniebago actually changed their handbooks on the back of this court case, just in case there are any other complete morons buying their vehicles.)
Don't we have a thread about owner's manuals? Something to do about dumbing down? ;-)
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Don't we have a thread about owner's manuals? Something to do about dumbing down? ;-)
Thing is - every time you try and make something idiot proof, the gene pool produces a better idiot.
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Two bad taste jokes deleted.
Growler - my apologies I got a bit trigger happy and deleted your joke as well. Sorry 'bout that.
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Can I re-post it? I think it fit the Forum standards.
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No problem Growler, go ahead.
No Dosh - Backroom Moderator
mailto:moderators@honestjohn.co.uk
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An anxious mother with a sick daughter drives late at night to an all-night pharmacy for medication. She emerges from the pharmacy, a bit distracted, only to realise she has locked her keys in her car. She becomes more worried and goes back to the pharmacy to see if they have a number for a radio taxi. They don't.
She calls the baby-sitter on her cellphone, who says the daughter is running a high fever and please get back a.s.a.p
By now the mother is becoming desperate and utters a prayer: "God, please help me, my daughter is sick, I can't get back to her and I don't know what to do".
Within seconds a fat greasy bearded biker wearing a skull bandana thunders into the car park on his Harley, kills the engine, kicks down the sidestand, and walks over. "Anything I can do to help, ma'am?" he says.
This guy looks a bit wild and fierce but the woman is by now desperate, and explains her predicament. The biker fishes around in his battered leather vest pocket and comes out with a ring with some strange looking tools on it and some odd shaped keys. He fiddles with the car door lock and in a few seconds has the door open.
"What a kind helpful and considerate person you are!" exclaims the woman.
"Not really ma'am" replies the biker, "You see, I just got out of prison after doing 2 years for vehicle theft".
The woman claps her hands and gazes skyward. "Dear Lord" she cries, "not only did you answer my prayer but you also sent a professional!".
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>>Two bad taste jokes deleted.>>
With all due respects...
[snip] Ok, if you prefer, I deleted two jokes I didn\'t like.
You know the routine, if you have something to say about moderation events, use your e-mail.
Mark.
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use your e-mail.
Stuart - if you're desperate for an audience then do email them to me.
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if you're desperate for an audience..>>
Not desperate for an audience by even the teeniest amount - just somewhat bemused.
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