***** This thread is now closed, please CLICK HERE to go to Volume 5 *****
For the continued discussion of all things pertaining to motoring jokes.
Volumes one, two and three filled up.
This is Volume four, three is closed.
There is no need to repeat anything since earlier volumes will not be deleted.
Anything over the line will get deleted without reference to you; too much of it and the entire thread will simply go.
Edited by Dynamic Dave on 15/11/2007 at 18:48
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Kate Moss is at a party and bumps into Jeremy Clarkson.
"What do you do?" she asks.
"I do Top Gear" he replies.
"Great - I'll have four grammes then please".
Where's my coat...
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>>"I do Top Gear" he replies.>>
See earlier versions of this particular thread...:-)
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What\'s for you won\'t pass you by
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From Fridays Daily Mail with thanks to Alan Harris of Cornwall who had sent it in.
Eminent surgeon goes to garage to pick up his cherished vintage car after an engine overhaul,the mechanic met him and said,I have taken the head off,stripped out the heart of it,ground in the valves,put it all back together and it now runs as good as new,but tell me as we both do the same job how come you are paid thousands and I work for a pittance,the surgeon smiled and said ah but can you do it with the engine running!!.
ndbw
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3 Blokes go up to heaven together, St Peter meets them at the gate says to first
"Were you ever unfaithful or ever thought about being unfaithful towards your wife?"
He a replies truthfuly "No never"
So St Pete says "right for your transport around heaven you get a Rolls Royce"
St Pete askes the second the same question
To which he replies "I was never unfaithfull but i thought about it quite a lot"
St Pete says "Right for your transport around heaven you get a Lada"
Askes same question to third bloke
He replies "unfortunatly i was unfaithful at every oppertunity and thought about it all the time"
Right says st pete you get a Honda 50 moped for your transport around heaven
About 2 weeks pass. The 1st bloke is out in his Roller & comes accross the 3rd bloke, sitting on the curb with his moped crying his eyes out. So he stoppes and askes him whats wrong and tries to cheer him up saying look you made it to heaven and you have got some form of transport to which he reples "i know i know but i've just seen my wife on a skate board" !
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About 2 weeks pass. The 1st bloke is out in his Roller & comes accross the 3rd bloke, sitting on the curb with his moped crying his eyes out. So he stoppes and askes him whats wrong and tries to cheer him up saying look you made it to heaven and you have got some form of transport to which he reples "i know i know but i've just seen my wife on a skate board" !
There's another version of this where Bloke 2 finds Bloke 3 ROFLHAO; eventually recovers sufficiently to explain that he's just seen a former Pope on roller skates!!
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A Bishop and a young lady went to Heaven at the same time. The young lady went straight through the formalities at St Peter's Gate and in to Heaven. It took a lot longer for the Bishop to get processed. Having been a Bishop, he was understandably miffed and asked St Peter why the lady had got through so much faster than him. St Peter replied "Bishop, your work on earth for the Church is well known to us. But that young lady used to drive a Ferrari, and I have to say that she put the fear of God into many more people than you ever did".
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Three 40 something ladies all ex school pals,were having a girly lunch. When the subject of their love life's came up
The first one who was married to a toy boy 20 years her junior said it was like a exotic Italian sports car fast exciting some times tempremental but always different
The second one who is married to someone the same age said her love life was like a Japanese saloon car safe reliable but a little unexciting
The 3rd one who was married to someone 20 years her senior says her love lfe was a bit like a vintage car, you had to start it by hand & jump on whilst the going was good!!
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A man wants a new track-day car so he goes to his local MG dealer (they've gone bust now and can't sue) and asks for a custom-spec X Power SVR.
"I wan't the spare wheel and Hi-Fi removed to save weight," says the man, "and while you're at it could you completely strip the interior apart from the drivers seat?"
"No problem," says the dealer.
"How much is it going to cost?" says the man.
"Normally about 50K," says the dealer, "but with all these extras ..."
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To wake the thread up in this festive season.
A comment on the Beeb today.
Kyoto Accord ?
I thought that was a make of car.
Oh well I tried......
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The following are actual statements found on Insurance Forms where car drivers attempted to summuarise the details of an accident in the fewest possible words.
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The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law and headed over the embankment.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
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Our local paper once had a court story in which a driver being prosecuted was reported as stating: "The other car was stationary and only moving very slowly when I hit it."
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What\'s for you won\'t pass you by
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Be warned. This one is bad. But it is motoring related. (I hope the mods will tolerate the word that seems to set off the swear engine).
A top executive has flown to Tokyo to talk with Toyoya executives. But the day before the meeting he has atrocious wind, and what's worse, it makes a noise like "Honda". Well, he can't go to a meeting with Toyota execs in that state, so he sees a doctor. He is told that it's nothing to worry about, and nothing can be done. So he goes to a second doctor. Same thing. He's getting worried and goes to a third doctor who tells him to see a dentist. He is puzzled, but goes to see a dentist. The dentist examines him, tells him he has an abcess, and needs the tooth removed. So the dentist pulls the tooth, and the wind is cured. Amazed, the man asks him how on earth pulling a tooth can cure his wind. "Aaah", says the dentist, "abcess makes the ffart go Honda".
I told you it was bad ...
Leif
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From Barry Cryer or BBC R4
A motorist driving down a country lane ran over a cockerel.
He went to the nearby farm house and knocked on the door.
He apologised the the farmer's wife and said " Can I replace your cockerel?"
The reply was " Please yourself dear, the hens are round the back"
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Serious replies only please.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been having an affair. The usual signs, you know. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up immediately.
She started going out with "the girls" a lot recently, although everytime I ask her which girls it is, it is always the same answer along the lines of ". . . oh just some friends from work honey, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home late at night upon her return but she always walks down the road from a little ways down, thereby blinding my vision, although I can always hear a car setting off in a rapid manner with lights dimmed or off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner and walked the little way home. Why is this? Is it not a taxi? Is it friends dropping her off? Who?
I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was, and at the sight of that she went absolutely beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her anyway.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night I had enough and soon after she went out again and I decided to check on her this time around.
I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a unobstructed veiw of the whole street, so thereby I could clearly see which car she gets out of.
It was whilst crouched behind my Black 300C that I noticed a little rust around my inner rear wheel arch. I was devastated beyond words could portray!
So my Question is should I fix it myself or take it to a body shop ?
MTC
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I noticed a little rust around my inner rear wheel arch. >>
Thank heavens the car is all right then.
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LOL............you little rascal ;-)
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Does Ms MTC ever visit the back room? If so I hope she's in on the joke, otherwise Arnie might get keyed....
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Does Ms MTC ever visit the back room? If so I hope she's in on the joke, otherwise Arnie might get keyed....
No, never and I don't think that I'll be encouraging her somehow !
MTC
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You mean: 'Never ever touch my computer again! Why are you checking up on me? etc etc....'
:o)
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This was told me by an Iraqi. It was censored the first time so I have changed one detail.
A very foolish motorist locked himself out of his car. After struggling for some time he managed to get into it using a bent wire coathanger. Filled with triumph, he drove off to the blacksmith, handed him the bent coathanger and ordered three copies of it.
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My Iraqi pal told me another about the Iraqi car thief who'd nicked a T72 battle tank and been stopped at a very dozy road block.
'Carrying any weapons?' the road block sergeant asks. The car thief shakes his head.
'OK. On your way mate. Have a nice day.'
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Bloke (probably an Eskimo) breaks down in Lapland. He gets out of the car in the freezing snow and wind, trying unsuccessfully to keep his poor face out of the horrible weather, and sets about trying to fix his car.
After a while, he realises he isn't getting anywhere and rings up his breakdown people.
The mechanic arrives, looks under the bonnet, has a play around and then turns round to the Eskimo and says: "Looks like you've blown a seal". The Eskimo says "Nah mate, it's just a bit of frostbite".
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>>>> you've blown a seal". The Eskimo says "Nah mate, it's justa bit of frostbite". I would never have got away with that! Good Boy!
MD.
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The old ones are always the best.
I returned to the garage that sold me my current Espace, and was approached by an over eager sales person( very p.c) after discussion, I asked for another Espace that would require a new engine after 5,000 miles and 51,000, will require several trips on a national breakdown truck amongst other problems over the next 3 years .
Sorry sir I don't think we do cars like that,
well you did last time
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Motorist goes to heaven and St Peter asks him what car he drove, "Rolls Royce" says the man, "Sorry" says St Peter, "10 years in Purgatory for you".
Another motorist arrives and is asked the same question, "a Lada" he replies. St Peter opens the pearly gates and he goes straight in.
"How come?" asks the first motorist, St Peter replies, "He's been to hell already!"
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Said before :-
Micra advertising....
Spacious and Safe = Spafe
Modern and Retro = Modtro
Then my son, who was 6 or 7 at the time, said, on seeing my Aunts new Micra....
Shiny and Bright = ?????
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Picture the scene.
You are driving along and on your nearside you have a vartical drop. On your offside you have a fire engine trying to pass you, but travelling at the same speed, so is stuck alongside. Close in front of you there is an enormous pig also travelling at the same speed. You check behind to find a low flying helicopter close behind. What should you do?
Quite simple really, you are drunk and should get off the childrens roundabout.
Its a great joke to tell and catches most people out.
--
Roger
I read frequently, but only post when I have something useful to say.
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Of course everyone has heard the one about the old lady driving a Mercedes who is beaten into a parking slot by a young man in a blinged-up Saxo. He gets out, smirks and says: 'That's what you can do if you're quick and know how to drive.'
The old lady engages drive and crushes the blinged-up Saxo to death, reverses away and drives off, saying: 'That's what you can do if you're very, very rich.'
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or if they beat you into a parking space when the one next door is empty as well move your car up close to theirs so they have to get in through the passenger door.
Thats always good for a laugh if you can wait about to see them return.......
Another one is sit in your car near a supermarket checkout in a proper parking space mind while the wife goes in for a few bits/bobs while you are waiting in the car make yourself look like you are just about to drive off and watch the cars jostling thinking they can have your spot
;--------------------------------------o
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"waiting in the car make yourself look like you are just about to drive off and watch the cars jostling thinking they can have your spot"
Refinement on that is to get out the car, hide round the corner for 1 minute, then walk back to the car
DO NOT catch the eye of the other motorists who then josle for the parking spot. I once saw a fight break out when I did this between two people who wanted my spot ( that didnt actually exist)
Happy days
------------------------------
TourVanMan TM < Ex RF >
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I have clear memories of my then 13 year old son just after I had got my first car with remote locking/unlocking. We were stopped at a service area on the way down to Devon, sitting halfway up a grassy bank having a break.
An oldish couple parked next to my car and just as they got out of their car C junior unlocked the car with flash of hazards and bleep, then locked it again. He then spent a happy 4 or 5 minutes locking and unlocking the car as the couple walked around it leaving them totally mystified.
Neither SWMBO or I could stop laughing long enough to take suitable disciplinary action.
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>>>> Neither SWMBO or I could stop laughing long enough to takesuitable disciplinary action.
Bet he likes a pint!
MD
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You must both be in another area today, TVM and om, because I notice the emergency services are unusually quiet.
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Pinched this of another forum
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Ford Probe/Cougar forum :
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The Ferrari F1 team fired their pit crew yesterday.
The announcement followed Ferrari's decision last month to take advantage of the NZ government's "work for the dole scheme" and to hire unemployed Maori youths.
The decision to hire them was bought on by a recent television documentary on how Maori youths were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, where as Ferrari"s pit crew can only do it in 8 seconds with the aid of millions of dollars of high tech gear.
This was thought to be an excellent yet bold move by Ferrari would have a decided advantage over every other F1 team. However Ferrari got more than they bargained for on Sunday when during the first pit stop the Maori crew changed all 4 tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car over to the McLaren team for 10 dozen Lion Red, and HQ Holden and a quick look at David Coulthard's girlfriend in the shower.
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I believe that some Maori are in fact descended from Liverpudlians, as is this joke....
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the old ones are always the best!
Don't know whay but i've got a feeling this may get moved/deleted fairly soon!
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Repost on 1st April 2007!
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Don't know why but i've got a feeling this may get moved/deleted fairly soon!
Like i said....
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Paddy and Seamus were standing in the middle of a narrow country road passing the time of day. A car comes tearing round the bend. The driver sees Paddy and Seamus, slams on the brakes and skids through a gateway into a field before coming to rest. Paddy to Seamus "It's a good job we were standing in the road, Seamus. If we had been in the field we would have been killed."
--
L\'escargot.
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A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you"
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you've been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see ?
1) you have to be single and
2) you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.
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A Herne Bay senior citizen drove his brand new Saab convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the Thanet Way, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M2, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph.
Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the Saab, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm going away for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman
--
Roger
I read frequently, but only post when I have something useful to say.
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Man walks along a beach and finds a magic lamp and rubs it; out pops a Genie and says the usual ........
For my first wish says the man, I want £10000000000: No problem says the Genie and pays him the money.
For my second wish says the man, I want a Ferrari: No problem says the Genie and in a flash, there is the latest model with its fuel tank full.
For my third wish says the man, I want to be irresistable to women: No problem says the Genie and turns him into a box of chocolates.
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A mechanic was once again removing the cylinder-head from the Rover {K series} engine when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in receprtion
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at Aston Martin when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on Rover. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make £23,675 a year (a pretty small salary) and you get the really mega-bucks (£195,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...
''Try doing it with the engine running.
--
Paul {Forest of Bowland}
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''Try doing it with the engine running. --
And if you screw it up you can always go and buy a new cylinder head!
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That joke has been around for a long time...:-)
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What\'s for you won\'t pass you by
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That explains why BMW charge more for a consultation than the private Doc I went to last year (or ear if I was to disclose the reason!)
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How do you make a Rover go faster?
A tow truck.
What do you call the shock absorbers inside a Rover?
Passengers.
Two guys in a Rover were arrested last night in London following a push-by shooting incident.
The last of the new Rovers have an air bag. When you sense an impending accident, start pumping real fast.
A friend went to a dealer the other day and said, "I'd like a petrol cap for my Rover." The dealer replied, "Okay. Sounds like a fair trade."
How can you get a Rover to do 60 miles an hour?
Push it over a cliff.
--
Paul {Forest of Bowland}
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Had to see a private consultant last year at the BUPA hospital and it cost be dead-on £100. OIl and filter change on a Polo at local dealer is £105.......
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Yep, Doctors, Dentists and Solicitors etc are actually q inexpensive / good value in relation to main dealers, estate agents and stealth taxes { Stamp Duty, Death Duty, Fuel tax , VAT etc}.
--
Paul {Forest of Bowland}
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Yep, Doctors, Dentists and Solicitors etc are actually q inexpensive / good value in relation to main dealers, estate agents and stealth taxes { Stamp Duty, Death Duty, Fuel tax , VAT etc}. -- Paul {Forest of Bowland}
Isn't it the stealth taxes, VAT, stamp duty etc which are in part paying for the doctors and dentists (the ones that aren't private, anyway)?
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Ah, but remember your Docs fee didn't include vat (he's exempt)
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Had to see a private consultant last year at the BUPA hospital and it cost be dead-on £100. OIl and filter change on a Polo at local dealer is £105.......
BUPA must be slipping. Surely "£99.99 (with discount)" would have made you feel much better.
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That explains why BMW charge more for a consultation than the private Doc I went to last year (or ear if I was to disclose the reason!)
Eh!
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>> >> ''Try doing it with the engine running. >> >> -- And if you screw it up you can always go and buy a new cylinder head!
And if the Cardio guy screws it up he'll blame one of the minions!
Cynical I know...MD
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A blonde police officer pulls over another blonde in a convertible sports car for speeding.
She walks over to the car and asks the blonde driver for some I.D. The blonde driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it."
The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees her picture. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.
The blonde cop looks at the compact for a few seconds, then rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver, and says, "If you had told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing!"
--
Roger
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
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Three Chavs in a car but no loud music, who's driving?
A Policeman
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Why are 3 chavs going over a cliff in a a Corsa a shame?
Because a Corsa has 4 seats.
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An urban myth that made me smile.
The Heavy Cadillac.
www.delta-9.com/net47/myth/caddy.html
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Fashionable left-handed Jamaican driving down the motorway in his new Irmscher M3 BMW gets a flat. Pulls onto the hard shoulder, cursing.
As he starts to get out, a salesman passing at 110 in the slow lane while on the phone slices the BMW's door off. Being a straight citizen, and understandably annoyed, our man calls plod, who arrives in short order. The victim describes the incident whose aftermath is plain to see.
'It's not just your door sir,' plod says. I'm surprised you haven't noticed, but you seem to have lost your right hand as well.'
Our man is utterly devastated. 'My God!' he cries. 'My Rolex!'
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Man says to his wife: 'Darling what would you like for your birthday'
Wife replies: 'Oh, something that will do, 0 to 60 in under 3 seconds'
Man buys wife a set of bathroom scales.
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A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW drives up in a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra high resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant." says the shepherd. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required", answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business... Now give me back my dog."
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sadly that was old when I was young not to mention the fact it's tech references are crushingly out of date............
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and he'd be more likely to be poncing around in an Audi these days.
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The forums jokes above refers to Volvos and bikes. Having been run over by a chap in a Volvo, why do they seem to have a magnetic attraction to bikes?
I got a very funny look in a dealer the other day, though - I went in for a map for their Pirates thing and when the salesman asked me if I was taking a test drive I told him I was never going to buy a Volvo due to their insurance trying to stuff me when it was patently the driver's fault.
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Three colleagues were on the way to lunch from their City office when a genie appeared in front of them in Cannon Street and offered to fulfil three wishes. The senior man said they could have one each, and that he would go last.
In a trice the junior man found himself in the paddock at Shelsley Walsh, fettling his Type 35 Bugatti before spinning the wheels to get some heat into the back tyres for the start. Seventh Heaven!
The next most junior man, more of a sensualist, was instantly in a Ferrari 330, whooping down the coast road from Cannes to Monte Carlo with a besotted Claudia Schiffer in the passenger seat beside him, murmuring erotic nothings into his ear.
'Effendi?' the genie asked the senior man.
'Yes. I want those two idlers back in the office, now.'
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Due to the recent floods, I hear that police in Sheffield have re-set the speed camera limit to 10 knots.
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The missus has just crashed her new Skoda. There was jam and sponge everywhere!
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This morning on the way to work, I rear-ended a car at the traffic lights when I wasn't really paying attention. When the driver got out... I noticed that he was a dwarf!
He steamed up to my car and said, 'I'm not happy...', So I said, 'Well, which one are you then?
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The other half came back home the other day and said the car had broken down; it was due, she added, to having water in the carb.
"Where exactly is the car" I asked, intending to go and sort it out.
"In the village duck pond."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
What\'s for you won\'t pass you by
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Your car passed the mot.......sir
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Guy broken down in the middle of the road, bonnet up. Knows nothing about cars.
Other guy walks past, peers in:"Hmmmm", says he, rubbing his chin: "crap in the carburettor"
"OK", says the first guy.
"How often?"
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she was only the pilots ( euro for racing driver) daughter , but she kept the cockpit clean.... rip bernard manning....coats on byeee
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Just thought of a joke.
Q How many eggs do you put in a Renault/Citroen/Pug with a leaky radiator ?
A. Un oeuf is usually enough
Moved from the "orifice" post after being told off by a fellow BR member - PU
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driving to work yesterday, when got hit from behind by one of those new Skoda's,it was awful, jam, sponge and chocolate all over the place
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You should have heard it coming - unless you're a trifle deaf !!!
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got hit from behind by one of those new Skoda's
Wotspur, a slightly different variant of the Skoda joke is only a few posts back up this thread.
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I guess we dix oeuf that !
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Q: How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'm going to work this out on my calculator, and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
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Two in today's Private Eye, on pp. 16 and 20. Both are drawings.
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Especially liked the "Sat-in-the-gravel-nav" drawing of Hamilton. Made me smile even though I had just come out of dentist's after a tooth extraction.
--
Phil
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Made me smile even though I had justcome out of dentist's after a tooth extraction.
>>
That isn't a smile. It's called a 'rictus'.
Like this: :-$
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Apparently it was a Nissan Dorma!
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and you don't get many for a tenner!
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Apparently, the remaining 2 tenors asked Elton John if he would like to join them. They would be called "Two Tenors & a 9 Bob Note"
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Old Mr. Bert Know-Itall sees a young blonde woman standing beside a VW New Beetle, which has its bonnet open. He walks up to her from behind the car, smugly chuckling to himself.
"What's the matter love?" he enquires.
"It won't start" replies the blonde.
"Ah, you won't find the engine there, it's in the back" says Bert.
"What's this big metal thing in here, then?" says the blonde, pointing under the bonnet.
Edited by Dynamic Dave on 12/10/2007 at 15:00
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But My favourite motoring joke of all time was the Citroen 2CV!!!!!!
Edited by Dynamic Dave on 12/10/2007 at 15:01
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In Russia, a worker goes to buy a new car. The salesman tells him that he can pick it up in ten years.
The worker asks what time after ten years can he pick it up.
The salesman, surprised, asks "In ten years, what does it matter?", to which the worker responds,
"I have to know, the plumber is coming over that morning."
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I was trying to save money on insurance this morning, so I asked for a Theft only policy.
They said I could only have Fire and Theft.
Useless. Who the heck's going to steal a burning car?
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Just before he went off to Madrid Becks treats himself to a new Ferrari, and on his first trip back home, he rings Posh and asks her to meet him at the Airport. As David had hardly had chance to drive the car, she thinks it would be nice if she picked him up in it and he could drive it home. On her way there she gets caught in a heavy Hailstone shower, and as she parks up is horrified to find the car absolutely covered in small dings and dents, knowing David will be furious, she bursts into tears.
Suddenly, she realises that all she has to do when she gets a ?dent? in her plastic ?Aqua-minrale? bottle is to blow into it to pressurize it, decides to try the same principle with the car, so drops to her knees and starts blowing hard up the exhaust pipe. Just as she is doing this, Becks emerges from the terminal, sees her, and asks what she?s doing, Tearfully Posh explains, whereby Becks tells her not to be so stupid, -
she would never build up enough pressure in the car, with the window down!!
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