Darwin Awards - Mark (Brazil)
The awards this year are, once again, truly classic. These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.

5th RUNNER-UP Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital.

The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower.

It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

4th RUNNER-UP Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.

3rd RUNNER-UP Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

2nd RUNNER-UP "Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue.

Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it." "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne said.

Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.

1st RUNNER-UP Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital.

Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly.

Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself.

Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.


Now THIS YEAR'S WINNER. (The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washingtonamphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show.

They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts.

Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum.

To make matters worse, on landing his pocket knife penetrated his thigh. Mr. Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away.

However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him.

Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries.

Upon moving the truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air. Congratulations gentlemen, you win...
Re: Darwin Awards - Graham
If you follow the Darwin awards you are bound to know about the rocket car urban legend / darwin award, if you have 30min (yes 30 min) you can read this "it might have been me" story

www.bored.com/rocketcar/index.htm
Re: Darwin Awards - Brian
Surely, under the rules of the competition, the first and second runners-up's entries do not qualify as their genes are still around?
Re: Darwin Awards - Martyn, Back Room moderator
Brian, don't split hairs!
Re: Darwin Awards - Darcy Kitchin
Thanks for the larf Mark
Re: Darwin Awards - Mark (Brazil)
I *know* its not motoring related, but its Christmas and I need a laugh...

CHILI COOK-OFF (A story from a guy named Cameron)



Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because, no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beerwagon when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have FREE BEER during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an Internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili:

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor, Very mild.

CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that is the worst one. These people are crazy.


Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili:

JUDGE ONE: Smokey (barbecue?) with hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

CAMERON: Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Hemlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tatoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.


Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili:

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a Uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon.

Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."


Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.

JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it ... Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled--it's kinda cute.


Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili gave me brain damage. Sally saved my yongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the judges asked me to stop screaming.


Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipeline filled gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.


Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili:

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge number 3, he appears to be in bit of distress.

CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at one point. At least at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I will just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.



Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili


JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's exsistence.

CAMERON: Momma......
Re: Darwin Awards - Mark (Brazil)
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Brazilian border checkpoint.

The officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."

"What do you mean it is illegal?" asked the Englishmen.

"Quattro means four" replies the Officer.

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You can not pull that one on me," replies the Officer

"Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds the Officer, "My sergeant is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
Re: Darwin Awards - Randolph Lee
Press Release 20 December 2001


EMBARGOED TILL 00:01

Laughlab Additional Information
From the 10 000 jokes submitted and the 100 000 people who rated them, a huge amount of information has been collated.

Below is a selection of the most interesting results accompanied by comments from psychologist Dr Richard Wiseman, University of Hertfordshire, who devised the experiment in collaboration with the BA.

Top jokes:47% of people gave the following joke the highest rating ? making it the winning joke so far:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up. "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson says, "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it?s quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replied: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!"

The top joke was submitted by Geoff Anandappa, from Blackpool, UK.

The following joke came a close second:

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn?t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. First, let?s make sure he?s dead." There?s silence, then a shot is heard. The guy?s voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"

Worst jokes:74% of people awarded these the lowest ratings:

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
Why are chickens considered good employees? Because they work around the cluck.
Males vs females:Huge differences emerged between the jokes most favoured by males and females. Males? top jokes involved aggression, putting women down and sexual innuendo. For example, the following jokes were all loved by men and disliked by women:

While robbing a home, a burglar hears someone say, "Jesus is watching you." To his relief, he realizes it is just a parrot mimicking something it had heard. The burglar asks the parrot, "What?s your name?" The parrot says, "Moses." The burglar goes on to ask, "What kind of person names their parrot Moses?" The parrot replies, "The same kind of person that names his Rottweiler Jesus.
This guy runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags sweetheart, I?ve just won the lottery, all six numbers!" She says, "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?" He replies, "I don?t care?.just pack and shove off!"
A guy walked in to a psychiatrist?s office wearing only cling-film underpants. The psychiatrist said "Well, I can clearly see you?re nuts."


In contrast, females preferred jokes involving word plays. The following jokes came top of the ratings for females but were disliked by men:

A man said, "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library." I thought "That's a turn-up for the books."
A man had a dog called Minton. One day Minton ate two shuttlecocks. When the owner found out he said bad Minton!!
A man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm. He says to the barman, "A pint for me and one for the road."
"These findings reflect fundamental differences in the ways in which males and females use humour" said Dr Wiseman. "Males use humour to appear superior to others, whilst women are more linguistically skilled and prefer word-puns."

Nationality:It was possible to carry out a preliminary analysis of data from different nations. The UK appears to have retained its liking for

?Carry On? style humour, its top joke was as follows:

A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom." The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks, "Is it serious, doctor?" and the doctor replies, "I'm sorry to tell you but this is just the tip of the iceberg."
It was also possible to rank the top ten countries in terms of how funny they found the jokes - perhaps surprisingly, Germany heads the list! Canada came last. These are the percentage of joke rated as ?very funny? by each country.

Germany 35%

France 34%

Belgium 33%

Australia 32%

Finland 31%

Sweden 31%

UK 30%

Norway 30%

New Zealand 29%

USA 27%

Canada 26%

"This is an intriguing finding," remarked Dr Wiseman, "and we will be carrying out more research to discover exactly what is going on here."

The jokes obtaining the highest ratings from Germanywere:

Why is television called a medium? It is neither rare nor well-done.
To tell the weather: Go to your back door and look for the dog. If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard. If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy. If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing. Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely, The CAT

The top jokes rated by each country:

French
"You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?"
"Absolutely! What's the second question?"

Belgium
Well, you see, there are basically three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those that can't.

Australia
A man left for a vacation to Jamaica. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Finland
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny? Little Johnny replied, "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

Sweden
A guy phones the local hospital and yells "You've gotta send help! My wife's in labour!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He replies, "No! This is her husband!"

Norway
As a funeral train passes by a golf course, a golfer on one of the greens stops, stands at attention with hat held over his heart as the hearse goes by. Then he goes back to lining up his putt. His playing partner remarks how that was the nicest gesture he'd ever seen, to show such respect for the dead. The first golfer sinks his putt and says, "Well, she was a good wife for sixteen years."

New Zealand
A priest conducts a service in a church "The person who puts the most in the church collection box can choose three hymns" he says.The collection box comes back to him after being filled up and he finds that someone has donated a thousand pounds "who has donated a thousand pounds?" he asks. A women raises her hand . The priest invites her to the front and tells her to choose three hymns. Pointing at the three most handsome men in the church she says "I'll have him, him and him"

USA
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"

Canada
Q. What do you call a woman who can balance 4 pints of beer on her head?
A. Beatrix

Computer vs humans:When the experiment was launched ten of the UK?s best-known scientists submitted a joke each to the website. These were rated by the public together with five jokes that had been generated by a computer. Four of the computer-generated jokes faired very badly. In fact the third worst joke rated in the experiment so far was one created by a computer:

- What kind of line has sixteen balls? A pool queue.

However, one joke did relatively well, beating over 300 human jokes:

- What kind of murderer has fibre? A cereal killer.

The British Association for the Advancement of Science

23 Savile Row

London W1S 2EZ
Re: Darwin Awards - Sue
Randolph Lee wrote:

> Laughlab

Thank you Randolph: your post enabled us to make a good contribution to our church's Christmas party, especially as we know a longer version of the Holmes and Watson joke.
Re: Darwin Awards - Randolph Lee
BTW for a good look at one of the seamer sides of US road cuture
www.drbukk.com/gmhom/park.html

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes
for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,
non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice
holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious
persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of our choice, with
respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of
others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions
at all . . . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and
medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally
accepted calendar year 2002, but not without due respect for the
calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society
have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is
necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in
the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color,
age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or
sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting
is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable
with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by
the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or
others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the
sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as
expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of
one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting,
whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this
wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
Re: Darwin Awards - Sue
Mark (Brazil) wrote:
>
> The awards this year are, once again, truly classic.

For those still wondering what they want, or what to buy for some difficult loved one, there are two 'Darwin Award' books available (at least there are in the UK). Clearly not suitable for all tastes - in fact I can't think of any female I'd give them to, although personally and perhaps perversely I found most of them very funny.

Thanks for entertaining us Mark!
Re: Darwin Awards - Randolph Lee
thanks Sue Mark had agood thought for this off topic Xmas Thread... Seems OK as a once a year exercise... BTW what did you think of the link about the 'mobil' home cluture in the Sourthern US?

~Randolph

PS: How do you spot the Gov. Of Maine's Mansion?... Its the double wide with the flight of Plastic ducks nailed next to the door. Maine like the deep south has lots of these "manufactured homes" and in many cases you will see fine old 18th cent farmhouses that the farmers have abandoned as being to hard and expensive to heat with a mobil home parked in front that they actualy live in... sad comment on the times for farming familys I guess
 

Value my car