If like me you're a BMW driver, let them overtake you. Never fails to please.
Oz (as was)
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Depends on what you drive..Thrashed a 2.8 many years ago with rover 827. Manual..Suspect BMW had a problem. Love to have had 828..
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Steve
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Hire a JCB and get a friend to hire another one. Drive them in convoy along a winding A-road for miles during the morning rush hour.
Cheers, Sofa Spud
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Go for a drive through town during the Monday morning rush hour, wearing a flat cap. At every traffic light, if at the head of the queue wait for the green then release handbrake and select first gear. If not at the head wait till the car in front has moved and do the same. Accelerate gently away.
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So it was YOU on the A113 this morning, then!
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I like to travel to work on the middle lane of the motorway at 60 mph. I have made so many new friends. They all toot me and wave in greeting as they pass, tho its hard to acknowledge them all as they sometimes pass both sides at the same time. I feel part of one big happy family now.
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Whilst in nose-to-tail traffic, block all side roads, especially for people who want to turn right. This way you can wave at your fellow motorists trying to exit the said side raods. They always wave back, but sometimes with only one or two fingers?......
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No no no!
The way to make your fellow motorists' really happy is to be stopped at traffic light controlled roadworks at the head of a very very long queue and when the lights change in your favour for the alloted nanosecond be caught faffing around, unable to select first gear and/or release your handbrake and by the time you do it's too late!
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Flat cap for this one again. Find a winding NSL single carraigeway and drive at 35mph. Whenever anyone manages to overtake you, shake head and mouth "B****y boy racers" as distinctly as you can.
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No flat caps needed for this one - despite all the evidence of impending gridlock at the heavily congested roundabout pull forward, despite having nowehere to go, block the one remaining escape route and thereby condemn everyone in the area to a long and very frustrating wait. M25/A13 - Thurrock Sunday am - HELL ON EARTH
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Like me, you can nearly always be sure of somewhere to stop your car temporarily where there are yellow criss-cross lines on the road. For longer stays I look for a disabled or motorcycle bay and for overnight parking I like to use pavements that are just about the same width as the car. Saves leaving the car on the dirty road where some idiot might bump into it.
When walking the dogs at nighttime, I like to use a cycle track (those pavements can be so busy sometimes, what with cars parked on them) and let them roam around on an invisible 10 meter lead. This gives cyclists the exitement of going off-road for a short distance, even if they do end up riding through the business that the dog has just done.
Hawkeye
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Stranger in a strange land
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If like me you're a BMW driver, let them overtake you. Never fails to please. Oz (as was)
What, you mean move out of the right hand lane? I thought you Beemer drivers had to sign a contract when you bought the car promising never to leave it? ;)
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Your thinking of the indicator waver ;-)
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ignore the name 'roundabout'.
When wanting to take the exit ahead of you, start in the left hand lane, but traverse the roundabout with as little steering input as possible. The closer you get to the roundabout kerb on your right, the better.
Bonus points for screeching of brakes of person trying to go around and turn right, and for any beeping you cause, but seemingly completely fail to notice.
Recently an old lady up in Scotland achieved the fabled PERFECT SCORE at this discipline, 6.0's across the board. She performed the manoevre on a friend on mine. She failed to notice the screeching brakes and beeping horn, as all good professionals do. You can't help but be impressed that she also managed to miss the impact which put a rather large dent in her rear door and blew out the window.
Now that is turning obliviousness to an art form.
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One of my favourites is to be in the right hand lane of the lights, intending to turn right but, hilariously, not letting anyone know until after I've I pulled away and stopped in the middle of the junction. I enjoy watching the face of the driver behind - when his face turns into a broad smile (or something like that!)
Another is on the motorway, when I want to turn off. I leave it till the very last minute and force my way in between two cars, despite there being a half mile gap behind the car which is now behind me, into which I could have more easily and safely moved. It's so pleasing that I got one over on him, and I reach my destination so much quicker.
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I like to take it nice and easy going round corners - and then floor it down the straights. This way I'm making sure that the queue of cars behind me is nice and safe through the twisty bits, but not held up in any way down the safe stretches.
People flash their approval at me, and sometimes pull alongside and wave, so I must be doing something right.
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Not just for motorists, but for everyone else I share the planet with.
I find that my 1996 Civic 1.5 V-Tec E is at its most economical at 35mph in 5th. Honda have thoughfully fitted a little green light that tells me this. The trick is that acceleration at this point in the rev range is non-existent so I find I'm not tempted to vary my speed at all.
This is particularly useful when leaving a town and passing one of those white circular signs with the line through it. I think this means you are entering a pretty area as I inevitably find all my attention is taken up by the scenery, which I point out to my passenger with much animated gusto.
I seem to have attracted a following of sorts, as I frequently find a long stream of motorist "slipstreaming" me, travelling within inches of my rear bumper. Just to make sure they get the full benefit of this aerodynamic technique I make sure I match their position on the road. The other day the chap behind was having terrible difficulty and kept veering sharply to the right. Luckily I was able to match these manouveres and also move to the right as this only seemed to happen when there was no oncoming traffic. I'm sure I saved him at least 80p of fuel.
I do hope he was alright...... he seemed awfully red in the face. Must have been the strain of fighting with that faulty steering.
Must go, have to fold my tartan rug and rinse out the thermos.
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If my JCB idea doesn't appeal, then try this:
Flat cap (superior designer version)
String back driving gloves.
Beige suede car coat.
Metallic sand coloured Jaguar XJ6
One complete circuit of M25 in lane 2 at 45 mph.
Cheers, Sofa Spud
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Being a BMW driver, I like to improve my fellow motorists' days by hammering down the fast lane in excess of 100mph (as I am immune to speed traps, aquaplaning etc) with my front fog lights on. I make sure to stay out of other motorists' ways by sticking to my territory (fast lane) and never venturing into theirs (other lanes). Should another motorist pull out into my fast lane to overtake one of their peers, I simply continue at 100mph until I am more-or-less on top of them and then stamp on the brakes at the last minute. I find that if I can connect my front bumper with their rear then I can give them a helping push in their manouvre, enabling them to return to their more familiar territory sooner. Sometimes I give them a little encouragement with my horn in a "*beep* go on *beep* you can *beep* do it" kind of way, flashing my lights to offer even more encouragement.
When joining a motorway I make sure to swoop straight from slip-road to fast-lane, so as not to invade non-BMW-drivers' territory more than I need to.
I also provide my fellow motorists with some light entertainment at petrol stations by refusing to wait for a spot with a pump on the right, instead parking my car next to a pump on the left and attempting to stretch the hose right across the boot lid.
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"I also provide my fellow motorists with some light entertainment at petrol stations by refusing to wait for a spot with a pump on the right, instead parking my car next to a pump on the left and attempting to stretch the hose right across the boot lid."
No you dont! because in my friendly way I wait until two pumps in a row are free then stop at the one NEAREST me leaving the one furthest away that you cant get to completely empty.
That leaves you to appreciate the fresh air on the edge of the forecourt
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No you dont! because in my friendly way I wait until two pumps in a row are free then stop at the one NEAREST me leaving the one furthest away that you cant get to completely empty.
Did you train that bloke blocking the entrance to the sainsbury's filling station last time I went ? - he was literally stopping anybody getting to four empty pumps because he was waiting for one on the right side for him
"One mistake up here, and it's half a day out with the undertaker" - RIP Fred Dibnah, 1938-2004
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If he then spent his time perusing the exchange and mart before getting back to the car then yes he is one of my advanced pupils.
I also do a "I am not leaving this cash point till I have safely put all my cashpoint receipts in strict chronological order in my purse or wallet course"
We have several world class students who also graduated from the "I will not have any money ready until I have got to the toll booth, put on my handbrake, retrieved my purse, counted out my money, counted the change, obtained a reciept, queried the price, and put all the reciepts away in the purse, back in the handbag, handbrake off and slowly pull away" course
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Another one is when travelling in heavy traffic on the motorway, and someone tries to cut you up, ease off the accelerator and flash them in.
I am convinced it actually annoys them to think that they haven't "stolen" the space but been allowed into it!
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This evening I saw a very noisy trail bike being ridden round town in the dark with no lights front or rear, by a rider with no crash-helmet.
Cheers, Sofa Spud
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No matter what vehicle you are in, or what road you are driving on, do try to remember at all times that the car in front is likely to be getting lonely.
Please don't leave your fellow motorists all alone. Remember at all times to stay no more than six inches behind the car ahead.
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So ND, It WAS you I followed home the other evening! 35 on that nice rural road (traffic comming the other way so I couldn't overtake) Naturally you drew ahead of me as I slowed to 30 in the village, but you forgot to mention that I caught you up when you blocked the road by parking on the double yellow lines to nip in and get your evening paper!!
Thought I recognised the flat cap (and goatee!!!)
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