Mr Drake, I will gladly have one of your passports but you must first transfer to me £3000 into my Nigerian bank account in order to verify your credentials. I'm sure you understand.

I don't know why anybody feels the need to falsify documents to get into this country.

To get out of this country, and go somewhere nice, like Poland. I hear there are a lot of cheap houses in Poland, and not too much traffic on the roads.