LOL - made me laugh
There is of course an alternative - the strong/silent one, on the grounds that men don't like to ask for directions anyway ;)
Happily not usually too much of a problem in our house, but one or two things did strike home a bit!
|
|
|
Couldn't find the jokes thread and this is too good not to post...
I did, hence why it got moved to here. Have you not tried the new search option that Stephen Khoo mentioned the other day? It found the joke thread in seconds.
www.honestjohn.co.uk/forum/post/index.htm?f=2&t=15...1
|
|
|
LOL, Dan - v.good. It's never going to be realistic, though, until the map appears upside down and it says: "left, left, no - right!" as the right turn recedes in the mirror.
Retiring behind sofa now...
|
A man is driving up a steep and narrow mountain road. A woman
is driving down the same road.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, \"Pig!\" The man immediately leans out of his window and shouts, \"Cow!\" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
|
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly the car stops running and they pull off to the side of the road wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
The Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. \"Why don\'t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, then open all the windows again and see if it works?
...ok ok I said it was terrible.....
|
...and a motorist's car broke down on a remote country road. Wondering what to do now, he noticed the lights of a farmhouse up ahead. He approached the house and knocked on the door which was opened by a beautiful young woman with long red hair.
He explained his car had broken down and could he stay till morning. The young woman agreed and showed him to a spare bedroom with a comfortable looking bed, big fluffy pillows, its own bathromm with a jacuzzi. Thinking this was a bit of all right, our man undressed, climbed into the soft bed, and lay awake. He could barely keep his mind off the beautiful young woman whose house he was in.
After a while to his amazement there was a knock on the door, it opened and there was the redhead, looking stunning in a flimsy nightgown, a hint of expensive perfume wafting across the room and her magnificent red hair loose about her shoulders.
"I wondered if you'd like some company tonight?" she asked.
"Absolutely, you bet, definitely!" said our man, barely able to believe his good fortune.
"Great", she replied, "I"ve got another guy downstairs and his car's broken down too. I'll send him up".
|
Mr Yamamoto went to his doctor who said "Ah! I think you have a cataract"
"No!" said Mr Yamamoto, "I dlive a Rincon Continentauw."
|
Police Officer to motorist: "May I 'ave your name , sir?"
Motorist: "Certainly, Officer, it's Digby de Vere Beaumaris Pilkington-Smythe Carruthers-ffoulkes".
Officer (closing notebook): "I see, sir. Don't let me catch you speeding again, now".
|
Late one Friday night, a policeman spotted a man driving
very erratically through the streets of Dublin. He
pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking
that evening.
"Aye, so I have. It's Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five of those. Then I had to drive me friend Michael home and of course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness at his place- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..." Then, the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for
inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"
|
A group of elderly residents of a nursing home were chatting over coffee.
"I am so tired, I can hardly lift my arms to drink my coffee.: said one.
"My cataracts are so bad, I can hardly see the coffee." said another.
"My artritis is so bad I can't turn my head at all." said a third.
"My blood-pressure pills make me constantly dizzy" said one of the old men.
"Well," said one of the women, "that's the price we pay for getting so old. Thank goodness we can still drive."
|
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5000, and the interest, which is $15.41.
The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5000?"
The blonde replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for $15.00?"
|
Growler/Hugo,
The old ones are the best ones?
Man at JFK parks his Daewoo beside a fabulous looking girl parking her Daewoo.
On the flight to LHR he is seated next to her, so they have a chat after dinner and the brandies;
He asks her what she was doing in New York;
'I am the UK secretary of the International Nymphomaniac Society'
He - very interested - " And what were you there for?'
She -'We were trying to find the origins of the sexiest men in the world'.
He - 'And what was your conclusion?'
She - ' We are not sure, it is between the Scots and the Red Indians - by the way, I never got your name'
He - 'Tonto McPherson'
Matt35.
|
|
I am impressed by how you turned that into a motoring joke!
|
Thanks,
I had meant to make the heading Growler/HisHonour to link to your previous joke!
Matt35.
|
This lorry driver sat eating his egg and chips in a transport cafe, when ten Hells Angels walked in.
They walked up to the lorry driver, started eating his dinner and drinking his tea.
The lorry driver just stood up and walked out. The Hells Angel leader walked up to the counter and sticking his chest out said:
"He wasn't much of a man was he?"
"Nope" said the cafe manager, "he wasn't much of a truck driver either, he's just reversed over ten motorbikes."
|
Someone told me my local car accessory shop had some fantastic camouflage netting for sale.
Went in there but couldn't find it.
|
frostbite,
Good one!
Sounds a bit like a Spike Milligan story - Spike is playing piano in a bar;
Customer to Spike - 'Do you do requests?'
Spike to Customer - 'Yes, of course, what would you like?'
Customer to Spike - 'Oh,anything at all!'
Matt35.
PS - Spike then took a taxi home. (to make the motoring connection!)
|
Or even the one about the draughtsman who sends the apprentice out on his scooter down the road to the garage/convenience store for a packet of cigarettes.
"Get me 20 Bensons, and if they don't have those get me 20 Embassy, and if they don't have those I'll have 20 Silk Cut, and if they don't have those just get me anything."
Apprentice comes back, "They didn't have any Bensons, Embassy, or Silk Cut."
"So what did you get?" asks the draughtsman.
Apprentice plonks a pork pie down on his desk.
|
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
To which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
|
FiF,
In 1974 the guy at the next desk to me asked Linda to get him 5 Hamlet cigars - same thing 'what if they don't have Hamlet' - 'Just get anything'....Linda did actually come back with a pork pie!
How about the Irishman who drove to St Moritz for a skiing holiday - first morning he goes into the nearest shop and asks directions to the ski slopes.
Shopkeeper says 'I am not sure - I'm a tobboganist'
'Oh well - I'll have 20 Benson & Hedges since I'm here'
Matt35.
|
Way back, I worked at a local garage which also had a separate workshop about half a mile down the road.
The guvnor came into the service bay where I was busy doing not a lot and told me to go down to the workshop and ask the foreman for "the long weight" (sic)
After I had been there (on wages) for over an hour, they sent me back.
This is a true story folks.
|
An Irishman, looking to do odd jobs, knocks at the back door of a country house.
The owner hands him a can of Dulux and a 2" brush and says "Go round to the front entrance and paint the porch".
An hour later Paddy goes to the back door again for his wages and as he is leaving says to the owner "By the way, it isn't a porch, it's an Aston Martin".
|
'Only One Careful Owner'
usually means
'careful not to spend any money on it'
|
>>>>This is a true story folks.
Indeed it is, it used to happen in my day. Another one was the foreman saying to the lad find me an adjustable 7/16" ring spanner. Yet another was go and see Algie in the stores and ask him for a sky-hook.
|
My first couple of jobs were in the catering industry, bars and kitchens. I am proud to say that I was the instigator (thank god I wasn't the victim) of a prank on a new kitchen porter. The best thing was the unspoken complicity of bar staff all over the town, which I didn't anticipate. I sent him to get something to a place about half a mile away, as I had "run out". They told him they didn't have one, but he should try the Seasplash. The Seasplash didn't have one either, but suggested that McCormack's might. McCormack's were very busy and said it was too much trouble, but said the Royal Hotel should be able to sort him out. Fortunately for him, they set him straight. And the object of the errand?
A bucket of steam. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
andymc
|
>>>>This is a true story folks. Indeed it is, it used to happen in my day. Another one was the foreman saying to the lad
A need one of those special long weights. Do not be fobbed off with them offering you a short one and tell them its urgent.
You know where the company stores is.
Off you go.
|
Now frostbite there you have got things going.
Has anyone else ever sent the new apprentice for a 2BA tapped hole?
|
Tapped holes were out of stock, but we got an apprentice to order a reel of 2BA Thread! Poor lad, it was after that that he felt that the Aircraft industry was not for him.
Xam
|
When I was an apprentice the chap I was working with asked me to go and find a 2BA tapped hole. He had several of the old bank bags used to carry coins about in stuffed full of different sized screws, nuts, crimps etc. After tipping them all out onto a dustsheet and spending the best part of an hour looking it suddenly struck me that I was in fact stupid.
As revenge I gave him a 2BA nut thinking I was clever and he asked me to cut the hole out.
Not an easy job. Ha ha
|
FiF, In 1974 the guy at the next desk to me asked Linda to get him 5 Hamlet cigars - same thing 'what if they don't have Hamlet' - 'Just get anything'....Linda did actually come back with a pork pie!
Matt! You've made my day! Always thought this was one of those urban legends.
cheers,
FiF
|
FiF,
I was surprised to read your post and it brought back the memory - for info, my colleague was Alan Horne, the Secretary was Linda Bennett (later Dawe as I recall), we were working in Hoffmans,(RHP Bearings) New Street Chelmsford and the shop across the street was Martins...I think I got my trousers cleaned at Sketchleys.
Matt35.
|
My previous post seems to have killed the motoring jokes for 3 days - this one might put it back to April, but here goes;
A fireman is polishing a fire engine outside the station when a little girl passes pulling a little red wagon with ladders hung off the side and a bit of garden hose coiled in the middle.
The kid is wearing a firemans hat and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat.
The fireman says'That is a nice fire engine'
'Thanks' says the child.
He then notices that she has tied one wagon leash to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.
He suggests that her fire engine might go faster if she ties the rope around the cat's collar.
The kid looks at the wagon, the cat, the dog and says, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a ******* siren, would I?'
Matt35
|
That should have killed the thread for another week...
|
I copied this from a US website, not really a joke.
"When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home. While trying to steal gasoline he had inserted his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.
The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had."
These things should be labelled
|
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters. How did they keep from laughing while these were all taking place?
________________________________________________________________
Judge: "Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
______________________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year
_____________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've
forgotten?
______________________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which! .
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
______________________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when
he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_________________________________________
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
_______________________________________
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
________________________________________
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
________________________________________
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red
and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
________________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Would you repeat that question, please?
________________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
_________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
_________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
A: I resent that question.
_________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
__________________________________________
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
__________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
_________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
_________________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
________________________________________
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?
A: OK.
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
_________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Pennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy on him.
___________________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
___________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
+
|
Q: How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'm going to work this out on my calculator, and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
|
Q: How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'm just going outside to check this with the manager because this is a really good deal for you.
|
Matt, keep the jokes clean please. DD.
|
A police officer in a small town stopped MIke who was speeding down the main street well over the limit.
"But officer," Mike began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in the station until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're coming with me!"
"Officer", begged Mike, "PLEASE Let me explain, this is really important!" but to no avail. The officer locked him in the cell and went back to his newspaper and donuts.
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
|
DD,
Sorry -I'll keep them clean if you stop nicking my jokes!
See top of this chain...
Matt35
|
DD, Sorry -I'll keep them clean if you stop nicking my jokes! See top of this chain... Matt35
LOL. Believe it or not I searched both this and the previous volume of jokes before posting in case it had been posted it before. I'll edit things later on. Sorry.
|
DD,
Forgiven!
Now for a clean one - maybe oft repeated on the BB?
Minor bump on the A12 - Essex Girl taken to Chelmsford A+E;
Doctor - 'Where are you bleeding from?'
Essex Girl - 'I'm from bleeding Chigwell - where are you bleeding from?'
Matt35.
|
|
Its the way you tell them!
|
|
|
